Tuesday, January 02, 2007

A Movie So Terrible, it Crashes Your Computer... Literally

Listening to: Rilo Kiley - Take Offs and Landings


I said a month ago I’ll write that damn review for Turkish Star Wars. But first, a mathematical question:

(No Budget + Remake) * Blockbuster Movie * Turkey = ???

The answer is Turkish Star Wars. Officially, its titled Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam, or in Inggeris Language: "The Man Who Saves The World”. Now, a film given (officially or not) a title like “Turkish Star Wars”, “Indian Predator”, or “A Chinese Tall Story” should immediately warn you about the potential camp within. Campiness so lethal that it will probably kill 5,000 hipsters and indie-scenesters in lab tests.

Before we continue, I’d like to thank www.planetidiot.com for the stills and scenes below…

I had chanced upon this while browsing through Wikipedia’s list of worst movies, and the nature of the title kinda attracted me to look, and download. You know, it’s the same reason why people are drawn to look at the Gorgons. Or like Nazis to the Ark of God… to which shortly their heads all asploded. Curiosity in this case however didn’t kill the cat, but many of my brain cells and computer.

A little background on TSW… or so says Wikipedia. It was filmed in 1982 when American movies weren’t easily available on screens. So, local directors had an easy way to make some cash by ripping off the script and remaking it. Like what Hollywood’s now doing with those increasingly generic horror films from Asia.

Once downloaded to C:\ , I hit the PLAY button. The movie started with Ali & Murat (who I’ll refer to A&M), our two “heroes” fighting the Death Star. Or more correctly, the Egg of Death. The director hadn’t even bothered to get the aspect ratio right, don’t talk about the script.

A rotten egg in a totally rotten film

The duo and their wingmen spacefight a bunch of TIE-fighters in a valiant effort to fire two torpedoes into the exhaust pipe, or so I thought. Random scenes of Imperial Star Destroyers, the Death Star, TIE vs. X-Wings, and lazers flash by as the two crack one-liners at each other. A&M have nice motorcycle-helmets with add-on antennas on top to make it look… er, spacey.

Nice helmet dude. BTW, you're in a starfighter not an F-16 at 10,000feet.

Cue to the Indiana Jones music (yes, seriously) playing with yet another scene of Star Destroyers blasting away. I came to realize A&M are actually flying the TIEs, and they have to defend the Death Egg from those pesky Rebels.

Mission Failed. Thanks to the Force, the Death Egg is destroyed. The dynamic duo crash on a rocky planet, unfortunately they weren’t killed so this movie can end and I could proceed next to the infinetly better “Central Station”. Extracting themselves from the wreckage of their spacefighters, they both walk around looking for signs of civilization.

A bunch of skeleton troopers attack after they whistle to attract help (and women). Hillarity ensues in the fight scene where our heroes jump and twirl around beating the shit out of skeletons in Spanish conquistador helmets. To the tune of Indiana Jones again.

Well, they’re women all right. Super-thin supermodels, to be precise

These ARE supposed to be skeletons. Srsly!

Well, eventually they’re caught by slightly more competent minions led by a robot made from an orange siren-lamp and a plastic rubbish bin from Wal-Mart or Tesco. The baddies are apparently lackeys of a mysterious wizard named Komutan.

Can you believe this?

This dialogue sums my thoughts on the movie...

But they escape once again…

Anyways, A&M flees to a system of caves with men, children and a woman who look like they’re reserve members of the Polyphonic Spree, or from the nearby New Age commune. I’ve never liked the Polyphonic Spree even though their music is in one of my favorite films, and it was to my joy that their hideout was discovered and attacked by Komutan’s minions: black bears, giant evil Elmos, and toilet-paper mummies.

The robe-wearing hippies discover their Flower-Power isn’t a form of martial arts, and definitely useless against Evil Muppet characters. I guess Guru Yogi Tipoobessar lied to them. Some flee, but many are killed and turned into toilet-paper mummies.

I've heard of Christian Transubstantiation of bread to flesh, but flesh to toilet paper?!

There’s also this creature with deadly spaghetti on his paws. Only our Dynamic Duo, the woman, and a little kid escape the glorious massacre.

A&M next go to a cantina where they get into a fight with several ethnic stereotypes. But soon Komutan reappears, and teleports them to his court. Komutan was the one who sent those X-Wings, and his agenda is to conquer the world and probably rule it together with the iron-fist of Princess Leia and his majordomo C3PO. This is perpetually astonishingly unambitious! Apparently, mankind is in the hyperspace age and colonizing far-flung regions of the galaxy, but Komutan is still stuck on dominating some shitty planet. Some ambition he has…

However, his attempts have all failed thanks to a “shield of concentrated human brain molecules”, which makes no fucking sense. To destroy those molecules and open the door to World Domination, he needs a human brain. Which is impossible to get in this movie, since this film has no sign of intelligence whatsoever.

But they have no brains, sir. Nobody in this movie does, especially the director!

Thats nothing, old man. i'm 25.

A&M are subjected to a live burial to kill them gruesomely, but fail thanks to Komutan not buying enough potting soil from the intergalactic gardening shop.

They will, but I won't endure this torture of a movie

Non sequitur old man. There's NO intelligence anywhere in this movie.
Buy more soil next time, BTW.

The duo escapes again, kills the Evil Elmos and defeats the Level10 Dire Evil Spaghetti-Thumbed Monster by jumping around, much to the joy of the oppressed populace…

The duo are separated when Ali, the woman, and the pesky brat is captured by Komutan once again (sigh, these people NEVER learn!), leaving Murat to find a mystical sword and brain (yes, brain) in a cave guarded by four members of Devo in golden jumpsuits. Anyways, after defeating Devo’s Mothersbaugh Bros. and the Casale Bros., Murat recovers the magic sword.

Energy Domes/Flowerpot Hats not included

Meanwhile, Komutan’s orders his wife to seduce the captured Ali in a Rocky Horror Picture Show costume. Murat arrives just in time to rescue his captured buddies. A hilarious battle scene again, with arms chopped off Evil Elmos and incompetent skeleton troopers. Ali however, is slain in the escape. Yay!

The saddened Murat vows revenge and melts the sword into a flowerpot (yes Virginia, it was a flowerpot) and forges a new pair of golden boots and gloves, probably attracting the attention of Reebok executives. He then sets out to defeat Komutan.

Checkout Murat's new Reebok Goldeboots... HOLY SHIT!

Its at this point where my computer decided it had enough and crashed, displaying a bluescreen. IT CRASHED!! I’m telling the truth here. It crashed and bluescreened, because OF THIS FILM!!!

In a way, it was a blessing. Had I watched the movie uninterrupted from start till the end, my brain would have been permanently destroyed. The rest of my life would be spent at the asylum in Tanjung Rambutan.

I read from other reviews later that Komutan sends all his minions in a concentrated Zerg rush to eliminate the irritating two. But, evil prevails and they’re all defeated. Komutan gets karate-chopped into two pieces. The… fucking… End.

Lousy movie, but Turkish Star Wars scores extremely high on camp factor. Sooooooo bad, it’s somewhat good. Or so they say. Since its ripped off without Mr. Lucas’ permission, you can see it for free here on Google video. Let it stand a day to fully transfer. Or if you don’t mind risking your hard drive and processor, its freely downloadable on Bittorrent. Either way, you’re already playing dice with your sanity. However, alcohol and several friends along will help viewing Turkish Star Wars more bearable.

But… you have been warned.

I rate Turkish Star Wars at Minus 3.5 stars out of Positive 5.0 stars (-3.0 of +5.0). I tried to get a more sensitive reading on the scale of 10.0, but the sheer idiocy of the movie immediately destroyed my precision equipment when I turned on the vacuum-tube amplifier. I have to place an order tomorrow with Agilent, Tektronix, and GE for new equipment…

Warning, Turkish Star Wars may or will cause the following symptoms and complications; nausea, eye discomfort, confusion, irritable bowel syndrome, permanent cerebral damage, optic nerve inflammation, paralysis, diabetes, asthma, and fatal hilarity. Do not watch Turkish Star Wars with an academic standpoint to avoid permanent brain damage. Viewing Turkish Star Wars without the influence of alcohol or company of friends is not recommended. BrightEyes will not be responsible for complications arising from Turkish Star Wars, physical or mental.

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