Thursday, November 06, 2008

"So, When Are We Getting A Chinese/Indian PM... Brighteyes?"

That was the question asked yesterday noon. Due to the power of the Internets, we all got to know the results of the US Election just before leaving for lunch.

Amazing ain't it? Just 40-odd years after segregationist laws were abolished in the Southern US, we now have a half-black guy, who isn't ashamed to be considered black by many, elected to the White House.

Of course, that doesn't mean racism is now dead in the US, since Obama is now President. It still exists, but many Americans, including Caucasian Americans, have overcome that barrier and voted for That One.

... due to Obamas

And this has caused many a Malaysian here as well to ask (or if you're from UMNO... worry)... if we will have a non-Muslim non-Malay Native/Chinese/Indian Prime Minister one day. Hey, if USA can... we can.

Now to answer that question (in the form of a question, like Jeopardy)... what use is a non-Muslim Chinese, Indian, or non-Malay Prime Minister of Malaysia, if the perp is just as corrupt and inept as these guys in power today? The citizens will still get screwed around... Malay and non-Malay, Muslim and non-Muslim.

What should be asked is: "Will Malaysians one day choose their leaders based on their abilities, and not solely because of skin color and religion"?

And once they do that, a few elections later, you can have your first non-Muslim, non-Malay Prime Minister. Another entry for the Malaysian Book Of Records. And he or SHE, will be chosen not because of race, but for leadership quality. And that is what's important.

But thats gonna take time for us to get there. While America was celebrating its first black President, people here were in an uproar over a "Non-" being appointed to lead a certain state department.

Can for them, cannot for us ('toon by Zunar)

But we'll get there eventually. Maybe long after I've become ash particles in the sea. Or perhaps during my lifetime. Hey, with today's highspeed communications and globalized world (or cliches like that), you'll never know. Aside from playing Warcrack & calling that guy in Germany a fukkin n00b... ideas, news, and philosophies are being exchanged and spread around.

Remember, nobody ever believed BN could lose in five states. That was before March.

And just ten years ago, if you told a Black American there'll be a Black President soon, he'll just laugh in your face.


Wednesday, November 05, 2008

In Ten Hours Time...

...we will see who gets to become Prez of the USA.

Will it be...

Barack Obama

or John McCain?

There are many others also running for President... including Ralph Nader (this time as an indie), the Green Party, the Communists, and yes, the Boston Tea Party. But with little support from the masses of America, its really unlikely these little guys will win on the national level. Like you winning the Toto 6/52.

Maybe I should skip lunch tomorrow to check the news...

If you wanna know... I'm rooting for the half-black guy...

McCain was OK years ago when he was constantly opposing the Bush Administration & the Iraq War. But since then, he's softened his ideas to become too similar to Bush's... obviously to endear himself to the Republican masses to pick him as a Prez candidate. So sorry Mc, can't choose you.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

All Aboard The "Ekspres Malaysia"!!

(Based on a Russian joke)

The Prime Ministers of Malaysia were aboard a train, along with some famous political personalities. As they were rolling through the countryside, the train suddenly came to a halt. Everyone waited, and five minutes later, the driver made an announcement via intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've experienced some technical difficulties with the train. We're working to resolve the problem as soon as we can"

Half an hour later, nothing happened.

Tengku Abdul Rahman summoned his aide, and commanded:

"Put Lee Kuan Yew and his gang in the last carriage, disconnect it, and push it away"

So Mr. Lee Kuan Yew, together with his followers, were placed in the last carriage on the train, and pushed away.

But nothing happened. The train still didn't move.

Tun Razak then announced... "I've an idea to get the train moving! Give some of the baggage on the train to the Bumi passengers!"

This was done, with some protest from other passengers, but the train still didn't move. People started getting restless.

"The train driver is an evil capitalist agent of the West! He's also gay! Imprison him now!" yelled a visibly frustrated Mahathir.

Despite locking up the driver in the toilet, the train still didn't move.

"I've got an idea!" chipped in Badawi. "Lets close the curtains, lean back, and pretend the train is moving!"

But despite shutting the windows and trying their best, most of the passengers didn't
feel the train was going anywhere, as much as they pretended to. Only Badawi himself was snugly asleep, thinking they were on their way...

"I suppose YOU have an idea!", Mahathir yelled to Anwar, who was seated behind reading a copy of National Geographic...

"Well, let me tell you" said Anwar with a grin....

"When I become Prime Minister of Malaysia, THIS train will start moving"


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Photos From INDIEpendent Fest

A bit late, but if you wanna checkout the pics from last three-weeks-ago's INDIEpendent Fest, check them out at Cole's site...

The past 2 weeks has been busy busy busy. New projects, which means new technologies, and a new pile of paperwork in my cubicle. You, as the end user and consumer, can expect new electronic products and shiny gizmos out by Christmas. Please buy them and help boost our share price, of which I own a tiny stake in.

Anyway, busy time is over, for now. I've planned a getaway from Penang Island for the Hari Raya holidays. Better get out of that island before they dump a new pile of work on my desk...


Thursday, September 04, 2008

Perak State Government To Allocate Land For A School Of Rock

IPOH: In addition to providing state land and funding for Chinese and religious schools, the Perak State Government will also provide assistance to establish of a School Of Rock in the state.

This would mark the first School Of Rock in Malaysian history. It would be aimed at creating a new generation of local musicians taught and trained in pop and rock music and its other derivatives such as hard rock, punk rock, art rock, indie-rock, goth-rock, shoegaze, Brit-rock, space-rock, prog-rock, post-rock, post-office-rock, and other genres that some pretentious artiste will come up with.

Chief Minister Mohd. Nizar Jamaluddin announced the move this evening while attending another function that very important people have to attend.

"We know Malaysian music is facing serious competition from abroad, especially Indonesia. With the creation of the School Of Rock, we can breathe new life into our music scene with a new breed of rockers, both mainstream and indie. There will be no need for quotas".

"However, aid allocated for this school will be in the form of old pre-war shophouses and secondhand music equipment. Our consultation with experts find that art-people work best in dirty and dilapidated surroundings. It would also put those abandoned pre-war shoplots in downtown Ipoh to good use", he added.

The concept of a School Of Rock has been the personal crusade of Jack Black, who will act as headmaster and one of the teaching staff. According to Jack, he has already received applications from around Malaysia and SouthEast Asia, for student admission and staff positions. It is expected that enrollment will begin January 2009.

Jack Black lecturing at Berklee College of Music
- Filepic

"Man, you know how thankful I'm to Niz. I've been like... fighting years to get this thing setup in Malaysia but no one will say yes. They said its satanic or evil, or some crap like that"

Local Ipoh band Bittersweet is expected to join
the faculty of the School Of Rock

"You know, I'm pretty P.O.-ed by the PAS government in Kedah banning rock & metal music. But this news made my day. Fuck yeah!"

This unprecedented move follows the recent announcement by another Pakatan Rakyat politician and incumbent Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng to literally declare every day a holiday. - Bawang News Network


Friday, August 29, 2008

INDIEpendent Fest in Penang. In Celebration of Merdeka

Merdeka is this Sunday. Besides appreciating what happened 51 years ago, how far we've come, and how we're doing so far... it also means a day off on Monday. Time to paste that Malaysian flag sticker on the bumper of my Datsun...

This flag flies upright

And while there'll be a parade around The Esplanade and partying along Gurney Drive, meanwhile some of my friends are organizing an arts exhibition...

Their way of celebrating our Independence Day, is with an INDIEpendence Day. Two days actually...

Click The Image Above For More Details On Who's Playing

I think I'm gonna check it out. Would be a good place to test out my new SLR camera...

Apparently Uglymen and the Damn Dirty Apes will be playing. Hope Pedram does his space-rock stuff this time...

Aside from a bunch of indie/alt bands jamming, there's gonna be some film screenings, workshops, and exhibitions by artists, poets, and photographers (including blogger Susan Loone).

More info can be obtained from the horses mouth...


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

This Election Is Made Of Win And LOLz

Yes, we all know what happened. Brother Anwar Bin Ibrahim totally kicked ass in yesterday's by-election. Despite the lower number of people coming out to vote, he won decisively with a majority of over 15,500 votes. Thats more than his wife who scored a 13,300 vote majority in March. At last Mrs. Anwar Ibrahim can take a well-deserved rest, while her husband gives BN/UMNO hell.

As for Khairy J, he has failed in his goal to "bury Anwar".

Like Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev who said "We Will Bury You!" to Western Europe & the United States... Khairy will probably later bang his shoe on the table in Parliament.

"We Will Bury You!!"

The next few weeks will be interesting. I wonder if Dr. Mahathir is presently shopping for real estate overseas... preferably in a country that doesn't have an extradition treaty with us.


Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Worst Examples Of Celebrity Merchandising

Most famous artistes, singers, actors, entertainers, etc. are in it for one thing... money. Their main goal is to make as much cash as their fame allows for. Once past the top of their career, its downhill from there... and into the land of washed-up has-beens and sideshow product endorsements.

So, its important for them to use their image to create more side income and publicity aside from that singing, acting, or whatever that they're primarily well known for. After all, those expensive bungalows, luxury cars, nice clothes, and that jet-set lifestyle are rather costly to maintain. Thats why you find celebrity endorsed products on the market that cost much more than the normal thing.

And sometimes, you get endorsed stuff that are so laughable, you start wondering if:

... the marketing team & publicist should be shot
... that celeb is in debt
... that celeb has absolutely no shame in pimping himself/herself out

Here's some of the worst I've seen on the market...

1. Rihanna's Umbrella

No, not that popular overplayed song. Rihanna's management actually came out with a line of umbrellas to capitalize upon that successful song with the annoying chorus of " 'ella... 'ella... 'ella... eh.. eh... oh... oh...". Its long off the charts now, but everytime I tune into FlyFM or MixFm I still hear it being played at least once. Why don't they put on "Shut Up & Drive" instead, which is a better Rihanna song?

I guess nobody wanted to pay U$20 (about RM65) for a simple umbrella with the word RIHANNA stiched into it. Even at a half-price discount, I bet no one wants to be caught dead in the middle of a rainstorm with such a thing. That would invite a barrage of laughter from folks passing by, and possibly even gunfire...

2. The U2 iPod

Sometime in mid-2004, at an Apple board meeting...

Steve Jobs: Ok boys, we're releasing the new fourth generation iPod in October! Any more ideas to make more money and increase our stock price!?

Apple Executive: I've got one. The U2 iPod.

Steve Jobs: Ummmm... ok. Please explain.

Exec: Its just a 4th-Generation 20GB iPod. Its $50 more than a plain 4th-Gen 20GB iPod.

Steve Jobs: And the difference is....?

Exec: Its got autographs of U2 etched at the back. Also, its a different color.

Steve Jobs: Will it have U2's songs preloaded into it? Will it eliminate poverty from Third World nations?

Exec: No. Like I said, just the autographs and color.

Steve Jobs: I doubt this will...

Exec: Its $50 more. Fans will buy it.

Steve Jobs: Ok then! Approved!

Exec: I'll get Bono on the line...

And that's how the Special Edition U2 iPod was born. Does not save Africans from famine, AIDS and warfare.

3. Mawi Mineral Water

"I want to live like a superstar. To me... the biggest superstar in the world is.. M.Nasir"

~ Mawi, Akedemi Fantasia winner
(MixFM radio interview)

To make the best of your 15-minutes of fame as a reality show winner, you should come out with your own line of bottled water. Then you can achieve the superstar lifestyle.

Fortunately, Jaclyn Victor never came out with her own brand of tampons...

4. Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

Confucius (Kung-Fu Tze) says... a picture tells a thousand words *.

It also generates a thousand tonnes of laughter:

If you think that was Photoshopped... here's a picture taken at a store...

They even have their own website!

"Asian Experience Energy Drink"?! What the hell is that?! Hm... lets see... Cordyceps, Yerba Mate, Guarana, Goji Berry, Ginseng, Green Tea, Ginko Biloba, and Polisweet.

Looks like Steven Seagal with his wise-sifu knowledge tossed a bunch of herbs in a blender and pressed the button. The result was a drink of "untold natural power" that will give you the "Asian Experience". From several user reviews, I believe this is the same "experience" you get from eating at a dirty foodstall in Georgetown's Chulia Street.

* - Not actually said by Confucius himself. That's confusing...


Thursday, June 26, 2008

Urbanscapes 2008

I came back early last morning from a trip to the Perhentian Islands. Sunburnt, a slight headache, and dead tired... I crashed into bed and snoozed off. No strength left to remove the filthy clothes from my backpack and toss them into the machine.

But I woke at noon. The headache was still there. There were bills to pay, and so a trip must be made to downtown Georgetown. Fucking car won't start. The 3-year old battery didn't have the amp-hours to crank the starter... 4 days had dwindled the charge in it, with the help of the alarm system.

Another one of those damned days...

At least there's
Urbanscapes this weekend to lookup too... First 250 people there gets a free ticket
when the doors open at noon. But first, you must have a Klue. I'm Klueless, and anyway... I'll probably be coming over later noon. I can't just jump off the night train at Sentral and into the mess, can I?

See you guys there...

BTW, I'll be the guy with the tranquilizer rifle and ear tags... lets see how many hipsters I can catch and tag. Beware.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Not Quite Sergio Leone

Before reading... Hit "PLAY" above...

Count to twenty...

And now read the rest of this post, as the music plays...










Ella will be singing at the Sultan of Selangor Cup football match


PAS say cannot.


They want Mawi to perform instead...

CONCLUSION: PAS people have really bad taste in music...


Monday, June 16, 2008

Movie Review: "The Happening"

Manoj Night Shyamalan is back with another movie. But after seeing it on Friday, I'm far than impressed with "The Happening".

To be frank, I think it blows balls.

Not really that happening

I enjoyed Shyamalan's "Sixth Sense", and "Unbreakable". But "The Village" was a bit of a letdown. It was at this point that his famous Unexpected Plot Twist or U.P.T., had ironicly become something the audience would totally expect from a Shyamalan movie. Whatever the U.P.T. would be, people would just shrug it off and say 'oh well...'.

With "Sixth Sense", and "Unbreakable"... the trademark U.P.T. worked well but with further use in his later movies, the masses were already immunized by expectation. Hence, the element of surprise was lost.

As for "The Happening", it had a plot that was rather ridiculous. People in the Eastern United States are suddenly becoming paralyzed and committing suicide for unknown reasons. Terrorist gas/bio attack? Too much emo music? Captain Planet got fed-up with humans?

I won't spoil the plot. I'll just tell you the movie was bad. But I'm not going to write off Shyamalan just like that. Many good directors have been or are at a nadir in their careers... where the movies they spit out are nothing but a bunch of shit. Hopefully he'll be back with better stuff in future.

But not all is bad with "The Happening". The cinematography and camera shots were interesting, being taken from unique angles that somewhat creates a bit of sense of mystery. And the lead actress looked a little bit like Feist... I think...

"One Two Three Four..."

And I was surprised by the director's trademark Unexpected Plot Twist: there was no Unexpected Plot Twist.

Anyway, I came up with some theories why people were suddenly standing dumb and then started killing themselves in the movie:

  • Emo music became an airborne virus
  • Gas in the USA jumped to $10 per gallon. (Thats $3 a liter)
  • Republicans unleashed a disease to clear the East Coast of blue voters
  • A result of the dumbing-down effects of television
  • They realized they just paid RM10 to see this movie


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A Pair Of Jeans For The Tailor...

I don't throw away clothes easily. I still have an olive-green shirt from 1998 in my cupboard that I wear occasionally.
That was from 1998 when U2 still sold clothes that were decently cool... and then they went for the metrosexual look and raised their prices.

Its one of those safari/military-style shirts where you can roll up the long-sleeves and button them midway to hold them in place. Its rather threadbare and tattered at the collar, but has a certain "punk rock" look to it. Good for wearing when you're going for a gig at Church Street or 62 Weld.

I guess this weekend, I'll have to pay a visit to that old-uncle tailor at Penang-Chulia. A pair of jeans has developed a hole at the rear after 3 years of being washed, worn, battered, beaten, and caught between a bicycle chain. Its the style to have holes in your denims, but where I work there's still a minimum standard to be upheld. Jeans may be allowed, but jeans with holes in the butt aren't.

Speaking of holey jeans... I remembered this incident back when I lived in Madison, on this shopping trip to Sears. For you Malaysians... Sears is an American department store kinda like Parkson or Jusco. I needed a new pair of pants, and there was a good pair of dark blue Levi's going for U$35. On the opposite rack, was more Levi's... but starting at $69. Those had really big holes in them and some looked like they've been run over with a lawnmower.

Just for the fun of it, I asked a sales assistant who was sorting out some stuff nearby. Lets call him Bud... as in Budweiser. Bad grammar from me and him are intentional.

Me: "Hey, these jeans are pretty worn out, but they're more pricy than the nice ones over there"

Bud: "Yup. 'ats the fashion todays"

Me: "Yea, I know. Funny people would pay many more for a shot-up pair than a good one" (stating the fucking obvious)

Bud: "Heh. Folks want the wornout look, so the company makes 'em look worn out once they leave the factory. An' sell 'em for $50 over."

You could buy actual wornout clothing with the wornout look... holes and all, for much less (around 10 bucks) at the Salvation Army or equivalent secondhand clothes store.

Maybe I should sell this pair on eBay instead of sending it for repair. I'd probably get U$40 for it.

This guy here has another opinion on new old-looking clothes


Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Movie Review: "Starcrash (1978)"

The recent spike in gas prices has obviously not gone down well with my fellow Malaysians. My boss was grumbling about how "Badawi must resign", friends and colleagues were complaining and shopping for motorbikes or LPG-engine upgrades, sarcastic text-messages were being forwarded, and people in coffee-houses and on MalaysiaToday were ranting.

On PetalingStreet... 9 out of 10 blog pings on Wednesday night was some form of complaint about the sudden price increase. One of those was mine...

Back home in Klang for the weekend (yes, I drove back...) the conversation with family, friends, & relatives over my birthday dinner was also about... yep, the price of petrol and how everyone was gonna drive less to deal with the added cost. Ah well...

Living expenses aside, lets talk about something else... like a bad Italian film starring a pre-Baywatch beefcake, a sexy British actress and an evangelical pastor.

Like, "Turkish Star Wars", the movie "Starcrash" was also another ripoff copy of Star Wars... only much better. But the word "much better" in this case is relative... like how having a bucket of shit dumped over your head is much
better than being crushed by a shipping container filled with bowling balls. Ideally, you don't want either to happen to you. But forced to make a choice by a band of radical terrorists, you'd probably go for the former. Right?

Directed by Luigi Cozzi, "Starcrash" was one of those 70s Italian trash films that disappeared into time... until one day a couple of bored college students dug it up at a video rental store. Thanks to the Internet, you now can another read an in-depth review of this dreck, and also download it from BitTorrent. If you've got nothing better to do for tonight... of course...

Starring David Hasselhoff (yes, the Baywatch guy), Caroline Munro, and an evangelist by the name of Marjoe Gortner, this epic star wreck takes place in a galaxy far far away where planets are made of rubber balls and stars are those cheap Christmas lights you buy from Tesco:

In space, everyone can see you suck; shitty special effects
and spaceship models that look like they're
made from counterfeit Lego pieces

Our "heroes", Stella and Akton (played by Munro and Marjoe respectively)... are a duo of intrepid intergalactic space outlaws on the run from the law. Supposedly they're the best space pilots in the whole of space, and also one of the most wanted space outlaws in all of space. To suit their space outlaw persona... they have been blessed by the director with such spacey dialog such as "I hope this star buggy stays together... " or "These deadly rays will be your death" or something like that.

Yes, Caroline Munro is in a space-bikini
for the most of this movie

Fortunately, their daring tactics of flying at light speed in a straight line fails to shake the space cops, and they're both captured. Akton is given 200 years in a labor camp and the sexy Stella is sentenced to life in a penal (heh heh) colony. End of movie, I hope?

WRONG... they are freed by the Emperor of the Galaxy... But why? Why??

Most impractical (and dangerous) royal throne ever designed...

His Majesty has chosen them on a mission to rescue his only son and destroy a supersecret weapon that belongs to his rival, Count Zarth Arn (sounds like "Darth", no?). Ah... thats great. Let your only son... the sole heir to the whole Galaxy... go on a dangerous mission and he gets his ship blown up by Count Zarth's supersecret bunch of red blobs that came from a bad LSD trip. You don't even know if he's alive or dead and you send two strangers of questionable character to look for him. Wow, great decision. I bet His Majesty is also a shitty military strategist, but we'll see that later.

Accompanied by a green Captain Picard and Bobba-Fett looking robot that talks like a Texan cowboy, the team searches for the missing prince, who is likely bits of space dust now since his ship was blown up in the beginning of the film.

Their quest for the prince and sole heir to the whole damn universe (or galaxy) brings them to a planet of hostile warrior women...

Welcome to the Planet Of The Babes

...and a gigantic robot made of aluminum foil... with boobs...

A warrior woman sends a command to a giant
she-robot with boobs... by eye lasers

Captain Picard later betrays the others but is pwned by Akton in perhaps the most retarded scene ever in B-grade sci-fi... his "deadly rays" from his laser pistol fails to kill Akton... but is instead reflected back to him with a wave of Akton's hand. With laser beams that slow anyway, just about anybody not drunk enough could simply dodge it. Thats cheap special effects for you.

Aside from deflecting deadly rays, Akton can also now tell the future. I think this fantastic bullshit is being made up by him as the movie goes, with help from the director who certainly needs it to patch up the no-brainer called a plot.

David Hasselhoff later shows up in the movie and rescues Stella from a bunch of amorous cavemen. He drives off the Neanderthals by firing... lasers from his eyes. Yep, you read it... David Hasselhoff shoots lasers from his eyes in this film. Oh yes, he's also the prince that they've been looking around for, and he then leads them to the control station of Count Zarth's supersecret superweapon. You know that one that shoots out those LSD-tripping red blobs?

For some reason, our heroes are amazed by the control room's "automated computers" that constantly keep running without any human assistance. Technology must have regressed in the Galactic Age for these people to be so fascinated... sigh.

As they're ooh and aah-ing at the flashing computers, Count Zarth and his men appear suddenly from behind. You'll know they're the bad guys, because the count has a maniacal laugh and all his men dress up in black vinyl uniforms. Also, their laser rifles have these really impractical bat-wings on them that serve no purpose except to tell you that they are indeed the bad guys.

Its also compulsory for villains like Zarth to have
good teeth to go with the wicked laughter

And in typical movie-bad-guy style... the count does the dumbest thing ever in an attempt to destroy the three heroes. Ok, let me ask YOU a question...

Suppose you've trapped three of your enemies (including the only son of your rival) in your own base where your secret superweapon is emplaced. Do you...

Option A) Order your men to zap them all to death in a hail of deadly laser beams?

Option B) Set not just the whole base... but the WHOLE planet where your super secretweapon is stored to self-destruct (and destroy a Weapon of Mass Destruction that you've invested trillions into), leave, and order two tin-can robots wielding plastic swords to prevent them from escaping until the planet explodes?

Option B doesn't make any damn sense. If Saddam Hussein managed to corner G.W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Colin Powell in one of his nuclear missile silo's, he'll order his Republican Guard to finish them off with rifle fire and grenades. He won't set the whole of Iraq to blow up; Baghdad, Basra and all...

Anyway, Option B was Count Zarth's plan. Some tactical genius he is...

And some scriptwriter the scriptwriter of 'Starcrash' is...

In an attempt to escape, Akton engages in a battle with the two creaky robots using his er... LightMachete, Lightscimitar, LazerSword... umm... fuck, lets just call it a Fake-Lightsabre. He destroys one, but not before getting slain himself from a wound to the arm from the robot's plastic sword. Before dying he tells Stella and David Hasselhoff that "he'll live forever", before disappearing in a mass of sine waves from a laboratory scope. Um... okay.

Ok, by now it should be fucking obvious to you
that this is certainly a Star Wars ripoff

The Emperor arrives just in time on his flagship to rescue them. If there's a religion followed by the characters in 'Starcrash'... I'm sure Deus Ex Machina is one of the gods on the pantheon. Akton suddenly can deflect laser beams, tell the future, fight with weapons ripped off from Star Wars, and the Emperor not only arrives in the nick of time to save Stella and Prince Hasselhoff... his spaceship also has the ability to stop time, just like Doraemon's stopwatch.

Ok, so now its payback time and the attack on Count Zarth's space fortress begins. Just like Zarth, the Emperor is no military strategist either. His Majesty commands his soldiers to stuff themselves into giant dildos and... I'm not making this shit up... penetrate through the glass windows of Zarth's fortress:

Of course, with such a ridiculous assault method, the attack fails and all the Emperor's attacking forces are killed. So Stella goes off and pilots a space colony into Count Zarth's fortress, escaping just in the nick of time... and starting yet another pointless scene with multiple cheap explosion special effects. The Emperor ends with some long monologue about "peace" or something like that, and the movie ends.


If you're looking for another B-grade science fiction flicks for those times when you have little to do and lots of beer in the fridge... this is your movie. Shitty special effects, dumbass plot and dialogue, and obvious elements ripped off from Star Wars, you don't have much to think about. Also, you have eye candy in the form of Caroline Munro...

Heck, you can watch it on YouTube itself... the spoofed MST3K version of course. The sarcastic comments will make seeing this movie much easier for you.

PART 2 (just skip Part1):



YouTube links to rest of the parts here...

Now, excuse me while I try to reawaken my brain from standby mode.


Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Malaysia Will Launch Another Astronaut Into Space Tonight...

His name is Petrol Price.

Seriously though, there's no point lining up. The queues at the gas stations are more than 300m long in Sungai Nibong. Thats going to take at least an hour to clear. Once its your turn the pumps will probably be dry.

At the end, you've probably just saved as much as you've wasted being stuck in the queue... in addition to a risk of overheating your engine and overheating your temper...

And whatever you do, don't buy those fuel saving devices being sold on the Internet or at some promo booth in Tesco. You'll only waste your money on a scam.


Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Lies, Damned Lies...

... and statistics.

(click to enlarge)

But there's a bit of truth to it... no?

On the plus side, how else can you learn more about an obscure (but cool) band from Middle America like Tilly & The Wall, or OK Go ... while seated at a desk in Malaysia, huh?

Or hear about this politician who arrogantly dismissed his constituents... just days before the election?

If it weren't for internets videos like YouTube, Dato' Zein would probably still be in power.

Never underestimate the power of Web2.0


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Damn You Singapore!

Kiasuland has beaten us again! This time, the tiny red dot has won the argument over a little rock called Pedra Branca / Pulau Batu Puteh. The name in English means "White Rock"... and it comes from the layers of seagull poo collected over the years and turned the rocks white.
Thats right, we've been fighting with Kiasuland for 29 years over a little rock with birdshit for cake icing and a lighthouse as a candle.

And we lost this rock thats barely large enough to swing a cat round and round... until Kitty gets nauseous and messes your floor with cat vomit.
At least we won two stones a stone-throw (pun intended) away from the lighthouse. But thats like getting a $10 prize for 4 out of 5 numbers correct in a $10 million lottery.

We shouldn't let the Singaporeans get away with this! Here's some forms of retaliation we can consider taking against those Kiasulanders for this loss of Malaysian pride. Each has its own merits and drawbacks, so lets take these into mind before doing anything hasty...

1) Airstrike

Sends an excellent message to Kiasuland that we mean serious fucking business. Denies Singapore ownership of Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca by reducing the pile of stones to below sea level.

May trigger a war with Singapore. Both countries will go down into the dubious annals of history for a conflict costing thousands of lives over a tiny pile of rocks in the South China Sea. At least thats a little better than Honduras and El Salvador... who actually went to war over a football match.

2) Summon C'thulhu to Crush That Pile Of Stones (and Singapore)

Awesome spectacle of a giant God-creature smashing Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca into bits. The sight of the God-creature wading up Marina Bay and cracking open 'The Esplanade' like a durian is even more awesome. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah-nagl ftaghn!!

CONS: Using the arcane forces of darkness is probably un-Islamic & against Malaysia's official religion. But that can simply be reasoned with the fact that many Malaysian Muslims enlist the help of bomohs (shamans) all the time. Also, C'thulhu might get bored and target Johor Baharu instead. That would be un-awesome.

3) Cut Off Their Water Supply

Get to laugh at Kiasulanders drinking their own piss.

Some Malaysian will just sign another deal to supply Singapore with dirt-cheap water.

4) Resume Construction Of The Crooked Bridge

PROS: Another chance for some people to make more money. Sends a message to Kiasuland that we mean business. Make Mahathir smile again.

The global community might laugh at us for building such an expensive odd-looking and impractical structure.

5) Call The Swordfishes

Legend says that the island of Temasek (now Singapore) was once attacked by swordfishes. It will be nice to summon these sea creatures again to punish the Singaporeans for taking Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca.

The mass of concrete and tar that is Singapore today will suffer little damage from the swordfishes. Once the schools of swordfishes are exhausted, the Kiasulanders will come out and collect the fishes for a swordfish dinner tonight. Singaporean scientists might also resurrect Hang Nadim to deal with the problem.

6) Use More Aerosols and Drive More To Speed Up Global Warming

Considering Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca is just several meters above sea level, rising sea levels will deal with the problem. Where's your island now Mr. Kiasu?! AhHahahahahahaaaa!

1000 years later, Klingon and Romulan anthropology textbooks speak of a planet destroyed and an entire species made extinct because of an argument over a little rock...


Friday, May 23, 2008

If These Facebook Applications Existed, I'd Add Them

Who needs virtual aquariums, adopt-a-virtual-dog, Flash Christmas trees, and other pointless stuff when you can add these cool applications to your Facebook profile...?

  • Launch Real-Life Nuclear Missile
  • Speed-up/Slow-down Time
  • NASDAQ a Month From Now
  • Real-life Teleportation Device
  • Godlike Powers
  • Four Months Paid Leave (Approved) From Work

What would your ideal application be?


Sunday, May 18, 2008

Trams For Penang?

Another solution has been proposed to solve the bad joke called "public transportation" in Penang. This time, its trams.

Yep, some people (including my friends) and social activists in Penang are calling for a return of the tram service that once rolled through Georgetown in the 50s. The island once had its army of trams and trolleybuses before they were phased out with the diesel-powered bus in the 60s. The railtracks were paved over and the grid that supplied electricity to these machines were converted to plain-old powerlines. From then on, public transport was by bus, until someone in City Hall screwed up the system to make it the mess it is now.

Today, if you go to the Chulia-Penang Road junction, you'll see the old railtracks which were uncovered by road repairs earlier this year. Following the line from the Odeon, the rails go all the way down Penang Road, past Chowrasta and the police station, and towards Komtar... before diving into the tar like a subterranean submarine.

With the bad municipal transport system, many Penang folks got fed-up and bought motorbikes and cars instead. Which resulted in more congestion on this rock of 30km by 20km that looks like a flying squirrel...

Considering the number of people supporting the reintroduction of trams, it may be A Good Idea. After all, its far easier and cheaper to install than a monorail or subway, and it carries more people.

But then, lets also consider:
  • Are roads in Penang wide enough for a tram line? Anyone living in Penang knows how narrow the streets are, except in some parts of town. There may be no more space left for trams... even in mixed traffic.
  • You can't change routes easily with a tram. Unlike buses, you need rails and electrical cabling overhead for a new route. The solution would be to serve areas with high population densities where you can guarantee a steady stream of passengers (and fares)... like downtown Georgetown (Penang Road, KOMTAR), Ayer Itam, and Jelutong.
  • Motorcycles and bicycles don't mix with tramtracks. What happens when you try to cross parallel rail tracks on a bike, motorcycle, or any narrow-wheeled vehicle?


I had a bad experience once in the USA... fortunately my thick coat prevented any further injuries aside from scratched hands.
  • What happens if a tram breaks down? Now that will delay the other trams behind it and screw up the schedule for the day. Or sometimes a car or truck breaks down on the tracks. That is easier to move aside, but still would cost at least a 10 minute delay. Speaking of cars blocking the railtracks...
  • You know the way people in Penang drive, right? They double-park their vehicles wherever they damn please. So it will happen that some stupid Ah Beng parks his Type-R Wira on the tracks so he can buy today's lottery at Toto. Or some guy on a motorbike with his wife on the pillion and their child sandwiched in between... tries to cut in front of a tram, front wheel gets caught on the rail... all three and bike tumble over... right in front of a moving tram...
Bam! Instant front-page news for the evening Chinese newspapers... complete with appetite-suppressing photos of the accident.
  • What about the current bus system? It can be improved. With the way the buses and taxi's are managed (the bus & taxi companies actually rent out the buses instead of hiring their own drivers), is it any surprise that the island's public transport situation is all fucked-up? How about consolidating all the bus companies under a state-controlled entity so management, routes, and fares can be standardized without conflict? But whatever it is, you will still need buses to complement/work-with the tram system.

Lets hope Guan Eng and Co. does some serious research and planning into this first... because if they don't... any new tram system might actually make things worse for Penang island...


Saturday, May 17, 2008

How To Stop Anwar Ibrahim From Becoming PM




RE: Stopping Anwar Ibrahim

YB Dato' Kronee,

I have a suggestion regarding our future strategy to prevent the ascention of Anwar Ibrahim to the post of Malaysian Prime Malaysia. Many years ago, we thought such a thing was impossible ever since our Beloved Tun Mahathir kicked him into prison.

But with the results of the recent General Election, no thanks to Badawi... the threat of this happening is very real. If the Sabahans & Sarawakians decides to switch, we will see the end of Barisan Nasional, and you, me, and Mahathir will have to spend the night in Mugabe's house. That assumes, of course, that Bob does a good job this time of rigging the upcoming runoff elections.

The Background

Badawi will be replaced end of this year. Najib or Razaleigh will take over. Either way, this time the new guy will be remotely controlled by our Beloved Tun Mahathir. The real power behind the PM will lie with Tun Mahathir. Dato Kronee... you can then be safe knowing your crooked bridge project will be resumed. But Anwar and the People's Front/Pakatan Rakyat will be working to spoil the party and they must be stopped at all costs. While we work to remove Badawi, we must also not forget about the Anwar threat on the other front...

We managed to dispose of Anwar the first time through the use of the M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R. Strategy, designed by our Beloved Tun Mahathir himself. If you recall, the M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R. Strategy stood for:


This brilliant plan worked, although most of the public were skeptical, and the bumbling Prosecution placed the date of offence before the Tivoli Villa Condominiums were completed. Fortunately, we had an understanding ally in the media... and most importantly... the judges. Just ask VK Lingam.

But now, Anwar is back again to haunt us. The man we thought we killed politically is about to rise again like a fiery phoenix. And its flames will surely roast us.

Using the M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R. Strategy again like you suggested in yesterday's meeting will not work. Firstly, Beloved Tun Mahathir is no longer Prime Minister and the puppet strings to Badawi seems to have been cut. Secondly, the mainstream media is no longer under our control. Thirdly, there's this thing called the Internet which is full of bloggers, alternative media like Malaysiakini, YouTubes, and music downloads. Fourthly, because of the Third reason, Malaysians in general seem to have taken the red pill and our efforts to create a presence on the Internet has been met with mostly skepticism.

A New Paradigm Shift In Character Assassination

To counter Anwar, we will need a new paradigm shift in doing things. Many Malaysians hate the West, and many more hate Jews and Zionists despite never having met a Jew. This is thanks to the efforts of Beloved Tun Mahathir while he was Prime Minister.

The answer to our problem is to increase efforts to insinuate that Anwar is a tool of the Neo-Conservative Anglo American Zionist Jewish Capitalist Decemberist Pastafarianist West, and that he and his allies in KeADILan, PAS, and DAP are doing this by working for a more democratic Malaysia. Democracy is nothing but mob rule and a tool of the Zionists, Jews, and the West. The best leadership is leadership by one man in line with Asian Values, as advocated and practiced by our Beloved Tun Mahathir.

Such claims have already been made by Muhkriz and some bloggers, but the amount at this moment is too little. These accusations can be reeinforced with multiple coincidental non-sequitur articles which we will fabricate, with the help of pro-Mahathir political & academic allies both local & foreign.

When I said foreign, I meant not just activists and intellectuals who are against the West's genuine abuses around the globe, but those who also have an axe to grind against the West. These fellas will be willing to throw their support behind ANY leader who damns the West, regardless of his background.

Mahathir already has networked with such folks through various forums and conferences. In fact, he’s networking right now. I'm sure he has their namecards in his folder and his in theirs. They know him as a champion of the Third World (Islamic Third Worlders only), even while he was oppressing Third Worlders in Malaysia; from the natives of Sarawak, to his critics whom were justly disposed of with the ISA.

But that doesn't matter, as long as Mahathir was a critic against the West, that’s fine and they're willing to view him favorably. I'm sure they would agree be used by us (for a fee) to demonize Anwar as an agent of the Neo-Conservative Anglo American Zionist Discordianist Dodecahedrist Westerners.

How We Will Fight

It is important that we use the foreign individuals above. This is to create some form of authenticity to our accusation that Anwar is a tool of the Neo-Conservative Anglo American Situationalist Zionist Jewish Capitalist Communists. Malaysians are more likely to believe something if a foreign (read: Caucasian) “expert” has supported it. Because of this, we should make sure that this new army of Anwar Demonizers should have several white Mat Sallehs in it…

Right now, I can think of a few activists that we could enlist. Dr. Michel Chossudovsky comes to mind. I’m sure he would know us and would be eager to join, as he was a speaker at the Perdana Peace Conference. I still remember us helping to organize that conference, and how some people felt it was just a shiok-sendiri/glorification event for Dr.M. Also interesting was how we condemned the West and Israel but did not touch on Sudan, East Timor, Myanmar, or Tibet.

Back to the topic… people like Dr. Chossudovsky has excellent writing skills and should be able to create the antiAnwar articles which we need. On the other hand, we should keep away from Chomsky. I think he will be able to see Mahathir for what he really is, and he’s not too easily hoodwinked.

But imagine the headlines popping out on websites like, GlobalResearch, and Counterpunch… written of course, with the help of our staff at the pro Mahathir think-tanks & organizations…

“Colonizing Malaysia. Or Why Democracy, Transparency, Racial Equality And Freedom Is Bad For Malaysia”

“Why Mahathir Or A Mahathir Proxy Will Be The Best Leader For Malaysia

“The Zionist Anglo-American Plan To Control Malaysia by One Man: Anwar Ibrahim”

“Does Anwar Ibrahim Eat Babies & Kittens?”

“Why Are We Supporting A Racial Supremacist Like Mahathir? Is It Because He’s Anti-Western? Duh?!”

Also, include photographs of Anwar being friendly to foreign interests to give our propaganda more substance, such as below:

Whoops, wrong picture. Anyway, here’s the correct one.

Time is running short, this email is running too long, and we should consider what I wrote above if we are to intercept Anwar’s plans. If all is good, I’ll call a meeting this Monday to brainstorm the roadmap for this. I’ll call Kadir Jasin, Matthias, Mukhriz, and some pro-Mahathir bloggers along. If we are to defeat Anwar through propaganda, Mahathir will need the support of foreigners.

Let me know as soon as possible…


Dr. Hee Poh Krit

P.S.: Who are we supposed to support now? Najib or Razaleigh?