Wednesday, January 31, 2007

If I Worked In At A Newspaper...

Listening to: Crickets... or lack thereof

============================= goddamned boss will be asking where the hell is my story on Berkeley by now.

But if I worked at a newspaper, I would be able to write about my trip to Berkeley during working hours. And it'll be done by Monday.

However, I work at a tech company and it has been a busy past two days.

Anyway, here's a rather hillarious story from I'm not sure if its true, but it matches my ex-classmate's stories from when he worked at a sushi restaurant in Milwaukee.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Translation: "We're Fucking Understaffed"

Listening to: Nothing yet, but I might pop in a Petracovich record later...


Question: Loan sharks have been terrorizing defaulters and/or their innocent relatives and friends. As Inspector General of police, what would YOU do?

A) Launch a wave of sting operations. Get hardboiled detectives to pose as borrowers, then immediately default. When Mr. Loan Shark/Ah Long comes to "collect", send in the cops and bust the bastard. For drama, you can give the operations fanciful names like Ops. Jerat, Ops. Mousetrap, or Ops. Jaws...

B) Get a maverick police detective who was recently suspended for insubordination. Put him on a mission to bust the Ah Longs, despite protests from your colleague over his "kurang ajar"-ness. But he'll give them good ol' justice from a .357 Magnum alright. And when the smoke clears, he'll deal a Hartigan-style beatdown to the Boss of the Ah Longs. Damn... that's messy.

C) Prank call those phone numbers you see pasted on streetlights, roadsigns, phone booths and any area more than 16 square-inches thats exposed to the public.

D) Prosecute the victims on charges of "inciting the loan sharks to criminal acts". Auntie came to the station at night with her sob story of her son being threatened by machete-wielding thugs? This'll teach that old crone a thing or two about interrupting your "Malaysian Idol".

The answer is this.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Local Man Produces Brown Colored Sausages From Body

Listening to: Billy Joel - Piano Man


IPOH, 28 Jan - A local man, Cheat Bul Chit, 21 has become an overnight sensation around town after claiming his ability of producing brown sausages from his body.

According to his brother, Cheat Jin Jang, 23 the phenomenon has occurred many times throughout Bul Chit's life, starting from birth. Mr. Jin Jang, who works as a vegetable seller in the local market explains the products are mostly a unpleasant smelling sausage that are dark brown in color.

"This thing happen every day", adds Bul Chit. "I know it coming, because I have this... ah... sensation to go toilet".

"Sometime no brown sausage come out 3 days. Doctor say I must eat more vegetable".

According to Jin Jang, the sausages are of no use at all, and are normally flushed down the toilet. But sometimes, they do become useful, as they are processed into fertilizer for their backyard vegetable farm.

"Ah Ba' (father) sumtime spend all money on mahjong, 4D, VSOP, and China-Mui.... Ah Long then come paint our dog. No money buy fertilizer. So we use the brown sausage from Ah Chit's body."

Either way, news of this claimed ability has caused a stream of curious visitors in the past three days to the Cheat farm on the outskirts of Ipoh. Many were wanting to observe the process in action. The Cheat's also claim they've also been visited by a small group of three men and a bomoh and they have asked him to point out from a chart, a combination of four numbers.

A neighbor who refused to be named, added that a dark green Mercedes with "VIP-plates" also stopped by the Cheat farm yesterday.

The Cheat's have also been approached by offers to purchase the sausages for "research". Mr.Bul Chit's brother mentions that offers have gone as high as three digits. He hopes to make some income from the sausages, as his vegetable business has suddenly declined after news of this story broke out around Ipoh.

Meanwhile, Universiti Malaya scientist Datuk Dr. Rustam Putra Ali Ababa; PhD, PJK, AMN, JsK, PkB, LOL, O RLY (as posted on his door) has expressed an interest in conducting tests to verify Bul Chit's claims.

"I have never heard such a thing before, and I had the impeccable foresight to suggest we should look into this matter, both fecal and non-fecal. Besides, I need something else to do besides lecturing students who's only response is 'tak tau', 'I tak tau' or 'ah?' when you as them a question".

"I should have accepted the offer from the NUS medical school back in '88. Huh? What? Nevermind... Forget what I said." added Dr. Ali Ababa.

Dr. Ali Ababa plans to start his tests by "tommorow, hopefully".

"The expenses for the medical tests and hospital stay will be settled by the govenment", he adds. - Nasional Bawang Ekspress (Malaysia)

Sunday, January 28, 2007

My Feet Hurt A Little & My Ears Are Busted Out...

Listening to: Cursive - The Ugly Organ ; song:Art is Hard


Its Three Fucking Fifteen A.M. over here right now as I'm writing this. I've just got back to my hotel in San Jose after a late night ride from Berkeley to Fremont via the BART train, and driving from the Fremont station back here...

But there was a pretty decent show at Blake's in Bezerkeley. More on that later...

Now, need to rest my ears.

I Can't Think Of A Title...

Listening to: Bright Eyes - Digital Ash In A Digital Urn


'Tis a somewhat sunny day, although it rained "heavily" this morning. I'm packing for my day trip to Berkeley today. On the other side of California, some of my colleagues are en route to Disneyland and the other group headed to Las Vegas.

Just checked via that M. Ward and Of Montreal will be playing next week in San Fran. So I guess I'll put off Haight Ashbury till next weekend and just do Berkeley instead. Maybe tomorrow Sunday I'll go to Santa Cruz...

Meanwhile, I asked my sis for the link to "that annoying Singaporean blogger" who generated some drama some time ago. I had visited the site months back, but lost the URL. In reply, she returned this site. Hm, it wasn't really who I had in mind... I was meaning someone else.

But this one's also pretty irritating...

Well, gotta go catch the train to Bezerkeley, and start some intellectual sparring with some protesters on the infeasablity of anarcho-primitivism.

And by the way, check out this music video by my "Good Twin":

VIDEO: Easy/Lucky/Free

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Don't Get Mad At Able-Bodied Folks Parking In Handicapped Spots...

Listening to: Petracovich - We Are Wyoming


...after all, they don't make "Mentally Disabled" stickers for the rear bumper of your fucking Mercedes.

Meanwhile back in Malaysia, apparently a girl can produce colored beads straight from her toes. Expect the gullible folks to stream to her house... looking for lottery number predictions, luck, and other blessings except hard & wise work.

Little colored beads? Bah, thats nothing! Most politicians can produce pungent-smelling brown sausages from their mouths. And I can produce brown colored sausages from my ass!

See? I've got magical (thats "magickal" for you Gothics) powers! Worship me, you masses!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

San Francisco Weekend

Listening to: Ben Folds - Rocking The Suburbs


Nothing like sitting back in my hotel room with a beer & a Ben Folds album. Guy's amazing... saw him at Summerfest in Milwaukee back in '04...

Past two days have been work and work. And the last weekend was San Francisco, along with three other coworkers. Two of them had never been outside the country in their lives and the US was one big hellofa alien environment for these guys.

Market Street

Going down to San Fran has become a ritual for my fellow Malaysian employees at X Incorporated whenever they come over here on a business trip.

Cable Car end of the line at Union Square

Going up... 15 degree slope

Chinatown... not quite
like Petaling Street, Kuala Lumpur

As usual, they'll ALWAYS stop at Chinatown... before heading to Fisherman's Wharf and getting snared in the tourist traps there, with its Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not!, Wax Museums, sea-lions, and the submarine. And, the $0.99 Made-In-China keychains.

Alcatraz Island...

And the Golden Gate Bridge... from Pier 40, Fisherman's Wharf

O yea, sealions...
(Don't fuck with them, they have a nasty bite)

Then, next to Union Square and Market Street, and finally to the Golden Gate Bridge for snapshots...before rushing to drive out of the city before night falls.

Haight Ashbury? Nah, them fellow Malaysians don't wanna see the hippies. Besides, those peace-sign flashin' Grateful-Dead-listenin' patchouli lovin' flower children might beat us up for weed money if we go there. Knowhattimean?

Actually, the Haight has been depopulated by hippies since the 70s. Most of the flower-power generation simply grew up, moved out and morphed into SUV-driving suburban professionals. Although, a new kind of scenester has moved into the Haight... the hipster. And it still has its own bohemian atmosphere that made it (in)famous in the 60s and 70s.

However, since I was being "tour guide" to some of my Malaysian coworkers, I didn't get to visit the Haight this weekend as I had to take them to where they wanted to go. Dammit!

More to come... but I hafta finish this buritto first.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Nighthawks At The Diner

Listening to: The sound of the air-conditioner humming...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Suburban San Jose & Panic! At The Disco Is NOT Indie!!

Listening to: The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes (yes, you can download it)


Four days staying in San Jose now, the heart of Silicon Valley. It used to be bustling in the 90s, thanks to the dotcom boom and the mAsses buying up stock in unfeasible companies; like or some dotcom startup that would print your crap for a fee and have ‘em delivered to you via bike messenger. Then the bears attacked suddenly in 2000, leaving only hardened companies like Yahoo! and eBay behind. The rest had their stock price drop to zero. The luckier ones had to consolidate/merge or risk annihilation.

Things are getting better now since the Great Dot Bomb Of 2000, 'though much gray-space still remains; vacant one to two floor office/research-lab buildings that once housed tech companies. Many commercial buildings in this suburban city rarely exceed four floors, except those downtown. And like suburban America, there’s the occasional mall, strip-mall, drive-thru McDonalds/Jack In The Box/Carl’s Jr./A&W and business hotels here and there.

I’m holed up in one of those Best Western’s, which would be my home for the next month.

And there’s another of those darned shopping malls just outside my room window…

Levi's jeans for U$25 per pair inside...

This would be my second business trip to San Jose, on another project with X Incorporated. I’ve also been here before while I was still studying in Wisconsin, to visit my cousin. Lucky guy now works at Intel, owns the latest Camry and lives in a U$400K townhouse. Back in Malaysia, average engineers like me are struggling to pay off the loan on our Proton Shitmobile.

Driving In California

Can I still vote Democrat?

Unlike the Midwest, folks here drive fast. If the speed limit is 65 (105 kph), people here will do 75 (120kph). But they drive predictably; less of that weaving in-n-out, Xtreme tailgating, and sudden turns that we Malaysian (Correction: YOU fellow Malaysian) drivers are infamous for.

Night however becomes much more hazardous for driving. Many streets are poorly lit at night, even at highway intersections and onramps. They’re more dangerously designed than what’s at home. Imagine, you’re taking the Calaveras Exit offramp from the 680 in your pickup at 55 (90kph). Its night, and the exit road is pitch black with no street lighting. Suddenly, your headlights detail a sharp right curve through the darkness. And its only tens of feet away… Bang! Meet Mr.Thompson’s Sausage Creature! And also say hello to tons of mail from lawyers for the next week or so as they try to persuade you to sue anyone from the maker of your car to the California State Government. That’s if you survive…

But in Malaysia, even with idiot-proof highways, our accident rate’s worse than what fellow Yankees have to put up with. Again, it boils down to attitude.

Did I tell you they drive on the other side of the road?


Most Malaysians, I hear, go shopping for branded clothing and shoes while in a Western country. CDs and DVDs? Nah! They prefer to buy ‘em pirated.

Not me…

And there will be more…

Oh yea, can you actually believe they filed that stupid "Panic! At The Disco" under the "Alternative/Indie" section? I could accept it perhaps if this was some chain CD store like Tower Records or Borders, but c'mon... Streetlight Record's supposed to be the premier music store this side of San Jose!

Well, that’s all for now. Gotta catch some sleep. Its about 6 Celsius outside.

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Valley Of Sillicon

Listening to: Ben Folds – Annie Waits (song)

I arrived in SFO last noon, and we caught our limo to San Jose, an hour’s drive south of the Bay. Checked into my room, which is more like a studio apartment with a small kitchen and bath. This is gonna be my home for the next month or so…

Later, the guys from the car-rental company dropped by and passed me the keys to a yellow 1.8L Sentra.

Fuck, I was hoping for the Taurus. But I’m here on X Inc.’s good graces, and they’re paying for everything. Be a little grateful, BrightEyes…

Nothing to do much last evening… after all I had just arrived that noon after a 18-hr. flight from Penang. Just drove the Sentra around the darkened suburban streets of San Jose & Milpitas, bought some groceries & a pizza, and chatted with the pizza place’s owner and her pals about Malaysia, the Bay Area, Jenny Lewis & Rilo Kiley, Ravi Shankar & Norah Jones.

Well, I’m wide awake, it’s morning. Time to drive the others around. They wanna go shopping for food, phonecards, and other stuff. But first things first, lets finish this KrispeKreme donut…

Saturday, January 13, 2007

In The Aeroplane Over The Sea

Listening to: Neutral Milk Hotel - On Avery Island


Yep, I’m on my way to San Jose and San Francisco as I’m typing this. X Inc. has sent me there on a company project and I’ll be there for a month. Five other folks were supposed to come along, but I couldn’t find one of them on the plane. Ah well, tough luck for him… he’s gotta go on a standby flight.

Just what I needed: a working vacation. And a chance to catch some bands in action in the Bay Area, buy more t-shirts with ironic slogans & images on it (I’ll keep away from Hot Topic, those damned posers), and any CDs & DVDs which are totally unavailable in Malaysia (even in Rock Corner).

And yea, visit places in the Bay Area like San Francisco, Berkeley, and Santa Cruz. Emailed an old friend of mine for recommendations… we both went to the same uni in Wisconsin, stayed in the same dorm, and went out on a couple of occasions. Winter however says she, isn’t the best time to visit Santa Cruz. Nestled at the foot of the Santa Cruz mountains, winter in this area would be cold, damp, and rainy... like London in December, except with redwood trees. Even the Bay Area’s concert roster for the winter had few bands coming.

But Santa Cruz or Berkeley in the “cold” winter beats Disneyland anyway… a colleague who was coming along wanted to go there. No way, San Jose! I ain’t gonna drive down several hundred km just to queue 2 hours just to ride a Mickey Mouse space rocket or see some park employees prance about in a Donald Duck costume.

Hey, perhaps it was fun when you were seven. But when you’re older its time to move to other things…

I’m laidover (but not getting laid) in Hong Kong at the moment. I read in National Geographic once that the island has the highest number of Rolls Royces’ per capita. That kinda explains the large number of duty free shops around the terminal…

That sound is my flight being called. More updates to come from the US soon… once I’m checked in…

Can you believe Penang & KL airport doesn’t have free WiFi? The profiteering bastards!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Genies Are BANninated From Entering Malaysia

Listening to: None

What?! What about Mastika, Bacaria, and Harian Metro?!

Oh, maaf encik! We said "From Entering". NOT the local ones already here. Summore TabloidRia Editor oso ask us to stop business competition from foreign genie story. Lagipun, mereka pun kena makan jugak, ya?

Bloggers Howsy, The Malaysian, and Walski has some info on the recent censorship of a couple of articles in The Economist. Apparently Genies from other lands are now subversive and dangerous to the meek mind of Malaysians.

Read the article in The Sun here. Yes, over here. In The Sun, here. (No, not the UK one which is infinitismally worse)

Who knows, perhaps the Government's right. Readers of The Economists such as professionals, businessmen, and the financially savvy might start soliciting the services of Somalian genies for Big Big Luck in the KLSE instead of our local toyols, jenglots, and other spirits. That would srsly damage the local bomoh & sinseh industry, no?

But while The Economist is censored for stories on genies, our local trash tabloids are free to continue with their weekly Kisah Benar and "True Stories" of ghosts, zombies, ghostly zombies, pontianaks & vampires (or 'vampyres' for you neo-Gothics), corpses turning to a dog's-corpse, then to a pig's-corpse, and then to a Cannibal-Corpse, etc. etc. etc. . Heck, I saw a couple of them on sale at 7-11 this noon. Go figure...

Speaking of Mastika magazine, I remembered seeing one on the newstand at the kedai runcit/grocery near my school back in the 90s. It looked like (and was) a somewhat intellectual albeit nationalist magazine with articles on Malay literature, poetry, and other serious issues. Then later, a new editor would come in and give the mag an entirely Extreme Makeover. Yep, Mastika would now be about ghosts, jumping corpses, evil devil-worshpping indie-rockers plotting to overthrow the government, bomohs, rapists, rapists-cum-bomohs, and more ghosts. And yes, there will be genies. But none of that boring polemic from goateed poets.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

So I Was On The Bus Earlier Today

Listening to: Yo La Tengo - I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One

The first cellphone I ever saw was when I was eight. It belonged to my dad; a bulky Ericsson that was installed in his Honda Accord and was powered by the car's cigarette lighter. As with most cellphones in the early nineties, you couldn’t bring it with you. Those you could carry were large heavy black blocks with a tall antenna. You could use it to bludgeon snatch-thieves and muggers or stab them with the antenna, and then call your girlfriend afterwards to say you’ll be a little late...

Fast forward to 2007, and every six months they come up with a new phone with even more features than before. Last year’s model is now obsolete… sorry mate, can’t get ya’ accessories for that. Before switching to Samseng (a hand-me-down from my well to do cousin when she got a newer one), I had an NEC e238, and before that… a Nokia 5185 while in the States. Large antenna, monochrome LCD, unscratchable, unbreakable, and no SimCard (like many American phones at that time), it was your oldschool cellphone.

But they don’t make phones like the 5185 anymore. The clamshell NEC had the metallic paint flaking off after several months of use, and deep scratches on its flimsy plastic casing. Nice flip-open & close sound however. And when Malaysian stores started phasing out the NEC models, I had difficulty getting a USB cable for the phone. Upon learning that people change their phones every year like their underpants to appear “happening” and “trendy”, the execs must have realized it wasn’t worth the effort anymore to design phones with armored casings. Phones that won’t break/scratch when you drop them from arm’s-height.

Or maybe they designed them so they’ll break or look all worn and chipped after a year so people would be compelled to buy new phones. Nice business strategy. Did the egg or chicken come first? Anyway thanks, assholes.

* * * * *

On the bus, I heard someone’s cell go off: It was a classical music piece, probably Beethoven. Later, another cell rang: ringtone was “Hollaback Girl”.

Then a friend called me: “Beeep Beeep”, went my phone. Oldschool ring.

This guy sitting next to me asked: ”Cool! What ringtone is that?!”

Another guy on cellphone use.

And Minishorts gave an LG away...

Saturday, January 06, 2007

The Kitten Killing Machine

Listening to: The sound of fingers hammering a keyboard...

While living in Madison, a friend of mine asked me & the others this question after we had a few too many rounds of Leinenkugel's Red:

"Suppose we have this machine that will save a human life anywhere in the world. Everytime it works, a human is guaranteed to be saved. But for it to work, it'll consume twenty live kittens for every human it saves from hunger, AIDS, cancer or etc. The death of the kittens will not be painless either. Will you use it? ... And no, it runs only on live, untranquilized kittens, although live puppies can be substituted."

Through the slight haze of 5 beers and Camels, I knew this had something to do with animal-based research.

But anyways, would YOU use it?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

A Movie So Terrible, it Crashes Your Computer... Literally

Listening to: Rilo Kiley - Take Offs and Landings


I said a month ago I’ll write that damn review for Turkish Star Wars. But first, a mathematical question:

(No Budget + Remake) * Blockbuster Movie * Turkey = ???

The answer is Turkish Star Wars. Officially, its titled Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam, or in Inggeris Language: "The Man Who Saves The World”. Now, a film given (officially or not) a title like “Turkish Star Wars”, “Indian Predator”, or “A Chinese Tall Story” should immediately warn you about the potential camp within. Campiness so lethal that it will probably kill 5,000 hipsters and indie-scenesters in lab tests.

Before we continue, I’d like to thank for the stills and scenes below…

I had chanced upon this while browsing through Wikipedia’s list of worst movies, and the nature of the title kinda attracted me to look, and download. You know, it’s the same reason why people are drawn to look at the Gorgons. Or like Nazis to the Ark of God… to which shortly their heads all asploded. Curiosity in this case however didn’t kill the cat, but many of my brain cells and computer.

A little background on TSW… or so says Wikipedia. It was filmed in 1982 when American movies weren’t easily available on screens. So, local directors had an easy way to make some cash by ripping off the script and remaking it. Like what Hollywood’s now doing with those increasingly generic horror films from Asia.

Once downloaded to C:\ , I hit the PLAY button. The movie started with Ali & Murat (who I’ll refer to A&M), our two “heroes” fighting the Death Star. Or more correctly, the Egg of Death. The director hadn’t even bothered to get the aspect ratio right, don’t talk about the script.

A rotten egg in a totally rotten film

The duo and their wingmen spacefight a bunch of TIE-fighters in a valiant effort to fire two torpedoes into the exhaust pipe, or so I thought. Random scenes of Imperial Star Destroyers, the Death Star, TIE vs. X-Wings, and lazers flash by as the two crack one-liners at each other. A&M have nice motorcycle-helmets with add-on antennas on top to make it look… er, spacey.

Nice helmet dude. BTW, you're in a starfighter not an F-16 at 10,000feet.

Cue to the Indiana Jones music (yes, seriously) playing with yet another scene of Star Destroyers blasting away. I came to realize A&M are actually flying the TIEs, and they have to defend the Death Egg from those pesky Rebels.

Mission Failed. Thanks to the Force, the Death Egg is destroyed. The dynamic duo crash on a rocky planet, unfortunately they weren’t killed so this movie can end and I could proceed next to the infinetly better “Central Station”. Extracting themselves from the wreckage of their spacefighters, they both walk around looking for signs of civilization.

A bunch of skeleton troopers attack after they whistle to attract help (and women). Hillarity ensues in the fight scene where our heroes jump and twirl around beating the shit out of skeletons in Spanish conquistador helmets. To the tune of Indiana Jones again.

Well, they’re women all right. Super-thin supermodels, to be precise

These ARE supposed to be skeletons. Srsly!

Well, eventually they’re caught by slightly more competent minions led by a robot made from an orange siren-lamp and a plastic rubbish bin from Wal-Mart or Tesco. The baddies are apparently lackeys of a mysterious wizard named Komutan.

Can you believe this?

This dialogue sums my thoughts on the movie...

But they escape once again…

Anyways, A&M flees to a system of caves with men, children and a woman who look like they’re reserve members of the Polyphonic Spree, or from the nearby New Age commune. I’ve never liked the Polyphonic Spree even though their music is in one of my favorite films, and it was to my joy that their hideout was discovered and attacked by Komutan’s minions: black bears, giant evil Elmos, and toilet-paper mummies.

The robe-wearing hippies discover their Flower-Power isn’t a form of martial arts, and definitely useless against Evil Muppet characters. I guess Guru Yogi Tipoobessar lied to them. Some flee, but many are killed and turned into toilet-paper mummies.

I've heard of Christian Transubstantiation of bread to flesh, but flesh to toilet paper?!

There’s also this creature with deadly spaghetti on his paws. Only our Dynamic Duo, the woman, and a little kid escape the glorious massacre.

A&M next go to a cantina where they get into a fight with several ethnic stereotypes. But soon Komutan reappears, and teleports them to his court. Komutan was the one who sent those X-Wings, and his agenda is to conquer the world and probably rule it together with the iron-fist of Princess Leia and his majordomo C3PO. This is perpetually astonishingly unambitious! Apparently, mankind is in the hyperspace age and colonizing far-flung regions of the galaxy, but Komutan is still stuck on dominating some shitty planet. Some ambition he has…

However, his attempts have all failed thanks to a “shield of concentrated human brain molecules”, which makes no fucking sense. To destroy those molecules and open the door to World Domination, he needs a human brain. Which is impossible to get in this movie, since this film has no sign of intelligence whatsoever.

But they have no brains, sir. Nobody in this movie does, especially the director!

Thats nothing, old man. i'm 25.

A&M are subjected to a live burial to kill them gruesomely, but fail thanks to Komutan not buying enough potting soil from the intergalactic gardening shop.

They will, but I won't endure this torture of a movie

Non sequitur old man. There's NO intelligence anywhere in this movie.
Buy more soil next time, BTW.

The duo escapes again, kills the Evil Elmos and defeats the Level10 Dire Evil Spaghetti-Thumbed Monster by jumping around, much to the joy of the oppressed populace…

The duo are separated when Ali, the woman, and the pesky brat is captured by Komutan once again (sigh, these people NEVER learn!), leaving Murat to find a mystical sword and brain (yes, brain) in a cave guarded by four members of Devo in golden jumpsuits. Anyways, after defeating Devo’s Mothersbaugh Bros. and the Casale Bros., Murat recovers the magic sword.

Energy Domes/Flowerpot Hats not included

Meanwhile, Komutan’s orders his wife to seduce the captured Ali in a Rocky Horror Picture Show costume. Murat arrives just in time to rescue his captured buddies. A hilarious battle scene again, with arms chopped off Evil Elmos and incompetent skeleton troopers. Ali however, is slain in the escape. Yay!

The saddened Murat vows revenge and melts the sword into a flowerpot (yes Virginia, it was a flowerpot) and forges a new pair of golden boots and gloves, probably attracting the attention of Reebok executives. He then sets out to defeat Komutan.

Checkout Murat's new Reebok Goldeboots... HOLY SHIT!

Its at this point where my computer decided it had enough and crashed, displaying a bluescreen. IT CRASHED!! I’m telling the truth here. It crashed and bluescreened, because OF THIS FILM!!!

In a way, it was a blessing. Had I watched the movie uninterrupted from start till the end, my brain would have been permanently destroyed. The rest of my life would be spent at the asylum in Tanjung Rambutan.

I read from other reviews later that Komutan sends all his minions in a concentrated Zerg rush to eliminate the irritating two. But, evil prevails and they’re all defeated. Komutan gets karate-chopped into two pieces. The… fucking… End.

Lousy movie, but Turkish Star Wars scores extremely high on camp factor. Sooooooo bad, it’s somewhat good. Or so they say. Since its ripped off without Mr. Lucas’ permission, you can see it for free here on Google video. Let it stand a day to fully transfer. Or if you don’t mind risking your hard drive and processor, its freely downloadable on Bittorrent. Either way, you’re already playing dice with your sanity. However, alcohol and several friends along will help viewing Turkish Star Wars more bearable.

But… you have been warned.

I rate Turkish Star Wars at Minus 3.5 stars out of Positive 5.0 stars (-3.0 of +5.0). I tried to get a more sensitive reading on the scale of 10.0, but the sheer idiocy of the movie immediately destroyed my precision equipment when I turned on the vacuum-tube amplifier. I have to place an order tomorrow with Agilent, Tektronix, and GE for new equipment…

Warning, Turkish Star Wars may or will cause the following symptoms and complications; nausea, eye discomfort, confusion, irritable bowel syndrome, permanent cerebral damage, optic nerve inflammation, paralysis, diabetes, asthma, and fatal hilarity. Do not watch Turkish Star Wars with an academic standpoint to avoid permanent brain damage. Viewing Turkish Star Wars without the influence of alcohol or company of friends is not recommended. BrightEyes will not be responsible for complications arising from Turkish Star Wars, physical or mental.