Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Worst Examples Of Celebrity Merchandising

Most famous artistes, singers, actors, entertainers, etc. are in it for one thing... money. Their main goal is to make as much cash as their fame allows for. Once past the top of their career, its downhill from there... and into the land of washed-up has-beens and sideshow product endorsements.

So, its important for them to use their image to create more side income and publicity aside from that singing, acting, or whatever that they're primarily well known for. After all, those expensive bungalows, luxury cars, nice clothes, and that jet-set lifestyle are rather costly to maintain. Thats why you find celebrity endorsed products on the market that cost much more than the normal thing.

And sometimes, you get endorsed stuff that are so laughable, you start wondering if:

... the marketing team & publicist should be shot
... that celeb is in debt
... that celeb has absolutely no shame in pimping himself/herself out

Here's some of the worst I've seen on the market...

1. Rihanna's Umbrella

No, not that popular overplayed song. Rihanna's management actually came out with a line of umbrellas to capitalize upon that successful song with the annoying chorus of " 'ella... 'ella... 'ella... eh.. eh... oh... oh...". Its long off the charts now, but everytime I tune into FlyFM or MixFm I still hear it being played at least once. Why don't they put on "Shut Up & Drive" instead, which is a better Rihanna song?

I guess nobody wanted to pay U$20 (about RM65) for a simple umbrella with the word RIHANNA stiched into it. Even at a half-price discount, I bet no one wants to be caught dead in the middle of a rainstorm with such a thing. That would invite a barrage of laughter from folks passing by, and possibly even gunfire...

2. The U2 iPod

Sometime in mid-2004, at an Apple board meeting...

Steve Jobs: Ok boys, we're releasing the new fourth generation iPod in October! Any more ideas to make more money and increase our stock price!?

Apple Executive: I've got one. The U2 iPod.

Steve Jobs: Ummmm... ok. Please explain.

Exec: Its just a 4th-Generation 20GB iPod. Its $50 more than a plain 4th-Gen 20GB iPod.

Steve Jobs: And the difference is....?

Exec: Its got autographs of U2 etched at the back. Also, its a different color.

Steve Jobs: Will it have U2's songs preloaded into it? Will it eliminate poverty from Third World nations?

Exec: No. Like I said, just the autographs and color.

Steve Jobs: I doubt this will...

Exec: Its $50 more. Fans will buy it.

Steve Jobs: Ok then! Approved!

Exec: I'll get Bono on the line...

And that's how the Special Edition U2 iPod was born. Does not save Africans from famine, AIDS and warfare.

3. Mawi Mineral Water

"I want to live like a superstar. To me... the biggest superstar in the world is.. M.Nasir"

~ Mawi, Akedemi Fantasia winner
(MixFM radio interview)

To make the best of your 15-minutes of fame as a reality show winner, you should come out with your own line of bottled water. Then you can achieve the superstar lifestyle.

Fortunately, Jaclyn Victor never came out with her own brand of tampons...

4. Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

Confucius (Kung-Fu Tze) says... a picture tells a thousand words *.

It also generates a thousand tonnes of laughter:

If you think that was Photoshopped... here's a picture taken at a store...

They even have their own website!

"Asian Experience Energy Drink"?! What the hell is that?! Hm... lets see... Cordyceps, Yerba Mate, Guarana, Goji Berry, Ginseng, Green Tea, Ginko Biloba, and Polisweet.

Looks like Steven Seagal with his wise-sifu knowledge tossed a bunch of herbs in a blender and pressed the button. The result was a drink of "untold natural power" that will give you the "Asian Experience". From several user reviews, I believe this is the same "experience" you get from eating at a dirty foodstall in Georgetown's Chulia Street.

* - Not actually said by Confucius himself. That's confusing...



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