All Aboard The "Ekspres Malaysia"!!

(Based on a Russian joke)


The Prime Ministers of Malaysia were aboard a train, along with some famous political personalities. As they were rolling through the countryside, the train suddenly came to a halt. Everyone waited, and five minutes later, the driver made an announcement via intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've experienced some technical difficulties with the train. We're working to resolve the problem as soon as we can"


Half an hour later, nothing happened.




Tengku Abdul Rahman summoned his aide, and commanded:

"Put Lee Kuan Yew and his gang in the last carriage, disconnect it, and push it away"


So Mr. Lee Kuan Yew, together with his followers, were placed in the last carriage on the train, and pushed away.

But nothing happened. The train still didn't move.



Tun Razak then announced... "I've an idea to get the train moving! Give some of the baggage on the train to the Bumi passengers!"

This was done, with some protest from other passengers, but the train still didn't move. People started getting restless.




"The train driver is an evil capitalist agent of the West! He's also gay! Imprison him now!" yelled a visibly frustrated Mahathir.

Despite locking up the driver in the toilet, the train still didn't move.



"I've got an idea!" chipped in Badawi. "Lets close the curtains, lean back, and pretend the train is moving!"

But despite shutting the windows and trying their best, most of the passengers didn't feel the train was going anywhere, as much as they pretended to. Only Badawi himself was snugly asleep, thinking they were on their way...



"I suppose YOU have an idea!", Mahathir yelled to Anwar, who was seated behind reading a copy of National Geographic...


"Well, let me tell you" said Anwar with a grin....

"When I become Prime Minister of Malaysia, THIS train will start moving"

===================================

Perak State Government To Allocate Land For A School Of Rock

IPOH: In addition to providing state land and funding for Chinese and religious schools, the Perak State Government will also provide assistance to establish of a School Of Rock in the state.

This would mark the first School Of Rock in Malaysian history. It would be aimed at creating a new generation of local musicians taught and trained in pop and rock music and its other derivatives such as hard rock, punk rock, art rock, indie-rock, goth-rock, shoegaze, Brit-rock, space-rock, prog-rock, post-rock, post-office-rock, and other genres that some pretentious artiste will come up with.

Chief Minister Mohd. Nizar Jamaluddin announced the move this evening while attending another function that very important people have to attend.

"We know Malaysian music is facing serious competition from abroad, especially Indonesia. With the creation of the School Of Rock, we can breathe new life into our music scene with a new breed of rockers, both mainstream and indie. There will be no need for quotas".

"However, aid allocated for this school will be in the form of old pre-war shophouses and secondhand music equipment. Our consultation with experts find that art-people work best in dirty and dilapidated surroundings. It would also put those abandoned pre-war shoplots in downtown Ipoh to good use", he added.


The concept of a School Of Rock has been the personal crusade of Jack Black, who will act as headmaster and one of the teaching staff. According to Jack, he has already received applications from around Malaysia and SouthEast Asia, for student admission and staff positions. It is expected that enrollment will begin January 2009.

Jack Black lecturing at Berklee College of Music
- Filepic

"Man, you know how thankful I'm to Niz. I've been like... fighting years to get this thing setup in Malaysia but no one will say yes. They said its satanic or evil, or some crap like that"

Local Ipoh band Bittersweet is expected to join
the faculty of the School Of Rock

"You know, I'm pretty P.O.-ed by the PAS government in Kedah banning rock & metal music. But this news made my day. Fuck yeah!"


This unprecedented move follows the recent announcement by another Pakatan Rakyat politician and incumbent Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng to literally declare every day a holiday. - Bawang News Network

================================

Damn You Singapore!

Kiasuland has beaten us again! This time, the tiny red dot has won the argument over a little rock called Pedra Branca / Pulau Batu Puteh. The name in English means "White Rock"... and it comes from the layers of seagull poo collected over the years and turned the rocks white. Thats right, we've been fighting with Kiasuland for 29 years over a little rock with birdshit for cake icing and a lighthouse as a candle.

And we lost this rock thats barely large enough to swing a cat round and round... until Kitty gets nauseous and messes your floor with cat vomit. At least we won two stones a stone-throw (pun intended) away from the lighthouse. But thats like getting a $10 prize for 4 out of 5 numbers correct in a $10 million lottery.



We shouldn't let the Singaporeans get away with this! Here's some forms of retaliation we can consider taking against those Kiasulanders for this loss of Malaysian pride. Each has its own merits and drawbacks, so lets take these into mind before doing anything hasty...


1) Airstrike

PROS: Sends an excellent message to Kiasuland that we mean serious fucking business. Denies Singapore ownership of Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca by reducing the pile of stones to below sea level.

CONS: May trigger a war with Singapore. Both countries will go down into the dubious annals of history for a conflict costing thousands of lives over a tiny pile of rocks in the South China Sea. At least thats a little better than Honduras and El Salvador... who actually went to war over a football match.




2) Summon C'thulhu to Crush That Pile Of Stones (and Singapore)

PROS: Awesome spectacle of a giant God-creature smashing Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca into bits. The sight of the God-creature wading up Marina Bay and cracking open 'The Esplanade' like a durian is even more awesome. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah-nagl ftaghn!!

CONS: Using the arcane forces of darkness is probably un-Islamic & against Malaysia's official religion. But that can simply be reasoned with the fact that many Malaysian Muslims enlist the help of bomohs (shamans) all the time. Also, C'thulhu might get bored and target Johor Baharu instead. That would be un-awesome.




3) Cut Off Their Water Supply

PROS: Get to laugh at Kiasulanders drinking their own piss.

CONS: Some Malaysian will just sign another deal to supply Singapore with dirt-cheap water.




4) Resume Construction Of The Crooked Bridge

PROS: Another chance for some people to make more money. Sends a message to Kiasuland that we mean business. Make Mahathir smile again.

CONS: The global community might laugh at us for building such an expensive odd-looking and impractical structure.




5) Call The Swordfishes

PROS: Legend says that the island of Temasek (now Singapore) was once attacked by swordfishes. It will be nice to summon these sea creatures again to punish the Singaporeans for taking Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca.

CONS: The mass of concrete and tar that is Singapore today will suffer little damage from the swordfishes. Once the schools of swordfishes are exhausted, the Kiasulanders will come out and collect the fishes for a swordfish dinner tonight. Singaporean scientists might also resurrect Hang Nadim to deal with the problem.




6) Use More Aerosols and Drive More To Speed Up Global Warming

PROS: Considering Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca is just several meters above sea level, rising sea levels will deal with the problem. Where's your island now Mr. Kiasu?! AhHahahahahahaaaa!

CONS: 1000 years later, Klingon and Romulan anthropology textbooks speak of a planet destroyed and an entire species made extinct because of an argument over a little rock...

===================================

How To Stop Anwar Ibrahim From Becoming PM

From: pk_hee@promahathir-thinkthank.com

To: kronee@promahathir-thinkthank.com, staffgroup@promahathir-thinkthank.com

CC: tun_m@yahoo.com, muhkriz@gmail.com, groups@mykmu.net


RE: Stopping Anwar Ibrahim

YB Dato' Kronee,

I have a suggestion regarding our future strategy to prevent the ascention of Anwar Ibrahim to the post of Malaysian Prime Malaysia. Many years ago, we thought such a thing was impossible ever since our Beloved Tun Mahathir kicked him into prison.

But with the results of the recent General Election, no thanks to Badawi... the threat of this happening is very real. If the Sabahans & Sarawakians decides to switch, we will see the end of Barisan Nasional, and you, me, and Mahathir will have to spend the night in Mugabe's house. That assumes, of course, that Bob does a good job this time of rigging the upcoming runoff elections.

The Background

Badawi will be replaced end of this year. Najib or Razaleigh will take over. Either way, this time the new guy will be remotely controlled by our Beloved Tun Mahathir. The real power behind the PM will lie with Tun Mahathir. Dato Kronee... you can then be safe knowing your crooked bridge project will be resumed. But Anwar and the People's Front/Pakatan Rakyat will be working to spoil the party and they must be stopped at all costs. While we work to remove Badawi, we must also not forget about the Anwar threat on the other front...

We managed to dispose of Anwar the first time through the use of the M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R. Strategy, designed by our Beloved Tun Mahathir himself. If you recall, the M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R. Strategy stood for:

Make
Anwar
Homosexual
And
Then
Highlight
It
Repeatedly

This brilliant plan worked, although most of the public were skeptical, and the bumbling Prosecution placed the date of offence before the Tivoli Villa Condominiums were completed. Fortunately, we had an understanding ally in the media... and most importantly... the judges. Just ask VK Lingam.

But now, Anwar is back again to haunt us. The man we thought we killed politically is about to rise again like a fiery phoenix. And its flames will surely roast us.

Using the M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R. Strategy again like you suggested in yesterday's meeting will not work. Firstly, Beloved Tun Mahathir is no longer Prime Minister and the puppet strings to Badawi seems to have been cut. Secondly, the mainstream media is no longer under our control. Thirdly, there's this thing called the Internet which is full of bloggers, alternative media like Malaysiakini, YouTubes, and music downloads. Fourthly, because of the Third reason, Malaysians in general seem to have taken the red pill and our efforts to create a presence on the Internet has been met with mostly skepticism.

A New Paradigm Shift In Character Assassination

To counter Anwar, we will need a new paradigm shift in doing things. Many Malaysians hate the West, and many more hate Jews and Zionists despite never having met a Jew. This is thanks to the efforts of Beloved Tun Mahathir while he was Prime Minister.

The answer to our problem is to increase efforts to insinuate that Anwar is a tool of the Neo-Conservative Anglo American Zionist Jewish Capitalist Decemberist Pastafarianist West, and that he and his allies in KeADILan, PAS, and DAP are doing this by working for a more democratic Malaysia. Democracy is nothing but mob rule and a tool of the Zionists, Jews, and the West. The best leadership is leadership by one man in line with Asian Values, as advocated and practiced by our Beloved Tun Mahathir.

Such claims have already been made by Muhkriz and some bloggers, but the amount at this moment is too little. These accusations can be reeinforced with multiple coincidental non-sequitur articles which we will fabricate, with the help of pro-Mahathir political & academic allies both local & foreign.

When I said foreign, I meant not just activists and intellectuals who are against the West's genuine abuses around the globe, but those who also have an axe to grind against the West. These fellas will be willing to throw their support behind ANY leader who damns the West, regardless of his background.

Mahathir already has networked with such folks through various forums and conferences. In fact, he’s networking right now. I'm sure he has their namecards in his folder and his in theirs. They know him as a champion of the Third World (Islamic Third Worlders only), even while he was oppressing Third Worlders in Malaysia; from the natives of Sarawak, to his critics whom were justly disposed of with the ISA.

But that doesn't matter, as long as Mahathir was a critic against the West, that’s fine and they're willing to view him favorably. I'm sure they would agree be used by us (for a fee) to demonize Anwar as an agent of the Neo-Conservative Anglo American Zionist Discordianist Dodecahedrist Westerners.

How We Will Fight

It is important that we use the foreign individuals above. This is to create some form of authenticity to our accusation that Anwar is a tool of the Neo-Conservative Anglo American Situationalist Zionist Jewish Capitalist Communists. Malaysians are more likely to believe something if a foreign (read: Caucasian) “expert” has supported it. Because of this, we should make sure that this new army of Anwar Demonizers should have several white Mat Sallehs in it…

Right now, I can think of a few activists that we could enlist. Dr. Michel Chossudovsky comes to mind. I’m sure he would know us and would be eager to join, as he was a speaker at the Perdana Peace Conference. I still remember us helping to organize that conference, and how some people felt it was just a shiok-sendiri/glorification event for Dr.M. Also interesting was how we condemned the West and Israel but did not touch on Sudan, East Timor, Myanmar, or Tibet.

Back to the topic… people like Dr. Chossudovsky has excellent writing skills and should be able to create the antiAnwar articles which we need. On the other hand, we should keep away from Chomsky. I think he will be able to see Mahathir for what he really is, and he’s not too easily hoodwinked.

But imagine the headlines popping out on websites like rense.com, GlobalResearch, and Counterpunch… written of course, with the help of our staff at the pro Mahathir think-tanks & organizations…

“Colonizing Malaysia. Or Why Democracy, Transparency, Racial Equality And Freedom Is Bad For Malaysia”

“Why Mahathir Or A Mahathir Proxy Will Be The Best Leader For Malaysia”

“The Zionist Anglo-American Plan To Control Malaysia by One Man: Anwar Ibrahim”

“Does Anwar Ibrahim Eat Babies & Kittens?”

“Why Are We Supporting A Racial Supremacist Like Mahathir? Is It Because He’s Anti-Western? Duh?!”

Also, include photographs of Anwar being friendly to foreign interests to give our propaganda more substance, such as below:

Whoops, wrong picture. Anyway, here’s the correct one.

Time is running short, this email is running too long, and we should consider what I wrote above if we are to intercept Anwar’s plans. If all is good, I’ll call a meeting this Monday to brainstorm the roadmap for this. I’ll call Kadir Jasin, Matthias, Mukhriz, and some pro-Mahathir bloggers along. If we are to defeat Anwar through propaganda, Mahathir will need the support of foreigners.

Let me know as soon as possible…

Sincerely,

Dr. Hee Poh Krit

P.S.: Who are we supposed to support now? Najib or Razaleigh?

===================================

UFOs Spotted Over Klang!?

Earlier this morning, I voted. I'm not going to directly tell you who I chose for Parliament and State in Klang, but here are two clues:

1. I didn't vote Barisan Nazional.
2. I didn't spoil my vote.
3. I think P.U.N.D.A.K. is the Rocket symbol, right?


So just now I was surfing the Internets on this old Hewlett Packard computer, when all of a sudden the whole night sky of Klang was lit up with red rockets. It isn't fireworks, because they didn't blow up in a spectacular explosion, unlike what Koh Tsu Koon predicted. One even landed on the ACS school field!

Perhaps its an alien invasion?


I heard the same thing is happening over many areas in Malaysia. Some of the UFOs are eye-shaped (this one landed in Bangsar), and some look like a full moon.

Maybe "The Star" will tell us exactly what happened tomorrow? After all, I believe in the ever-truthfulness of Wong Chun Wai.

Top 10 Reasons Why Indelible Ink Will Not Be Used

Following the many examples laid forward by our beloved Malaysian Prime Minister A.A. Badawi, the Election Commission made another U-turn on its plans to use indelible ink in this election.

Several million ringgit worth of ink was imported from India for this Saturday, according to Malaysiakini. These bottles will now lie unused in the vaults of the EC's offices.

Anyway, lets leave wondering what to do with all the inedible indelible ink to the government. But here are some Top Ten excuses why the Barisa... whoops... the Election Commision decided not to use the ink, Letterman style...



10. "We bought the ink. We forgot to buy brushes"

9. "The Datins' and Puan Sris' complained the ink would ruin their manicure"

8. "Its DHL's fault! They sent the ink to Malawi, not Malaysia"

7. "We actually used the 2.5million for a new Mercedes & the license plate 'SPR 9'. Fuck, I said too much!"

6. "There was a typo. We ended up ordering 48,000 units of sinks instead of 48,000 units of ink"

5. "Its an act of God. How is it an act of God? Don't question God's will"

4. "The ship carrying the ink from India sunk to the bottom of the deep blue sea because of typhoons/sea monsters/UFOs/pirates/ninjas/ninja-pirates"

3. "Painting fingernails with indelible ink may promote Goth culture among youth. This is against Asian values."

2. "Black Metal tattoo artists broke into our offices and stole the indelible ink for their tattoo parlors"

...AAAAND... the #1 reason...

1. Boss say "Cannot"

LEAVE BRITNEE ALOOONE!

Ladies and gentlemen! Presenting to you the most hilarious and pathetic video ever made... a fan's response to Britney's abomination of a performance at MTV's music awards...




Yes, thats a guy.

And why oh why did she had to dress up in tacky underwear to prance about stage? Heck, even a pair of jeans and a t-shirt would've been better...

Now YOU Too Can Be Related To Abdul Razak Baginda

On trial for masterminding the murder of a Mongolian woman, political analyst Abdul Razak Baginda's is in a "bit" of legal trouble. He's founder & Exec. Director of the Malaysian Strategic Research Centre, a defense think-thank.

Razak Baginda also (used) to write a column in the Star newspaper on global politics, like what most political anaylists normally do when not tending to their think-thanks' or shopping for submarines. His family turned out in full support of their father, complete with custom-made tshirts:

...back of shirt says "And Proud Of It"

Hey, maybe I could be associated in some way. Ever heard about the six-degrees of separation? So I did some research into my friends', colleagues', and relatives'... and now... I too can show-off my association!

...back of shirt also says "And Proud Of It"

If you're associated or related in some way, then perhaps you could flaunt it with your own homemade shirt. Maybe you could also score an interview with some local tabloid.

"We Need New Roads"

Listening to: Nothing yet...


==========================

A State Assemblyman in some electoral district in Malaysia had all of a sudden been receiving gifts from his constituents. Now these goodies weren't coming from his business buddies or rich Datuks, but from ordinary working class to middle class citizens like you and me. They would present cartons of unfiltered Camel ciggarettes, cigars, durian fruits, beer, XO Brandy, Martell, chocolates, and even packets of tasty 'nasi lemak' to the Yang Berhormat when they got the chance to meet him.

Heck, even Ah Seng who runs the 'bak-kut-teh' shop down the road had pledged meals on the house to the politician. Free meals of succulent pork in tasty herbal soup, plus all that cholestrol...

Puzzled, the state assemblyman wondered why all of a sudden the common folk were so good to him. He thought of any deed he just did that would have earned such gratefulness from the 'rakyat'. But, he couldn't recall anything he had done for that place after 2004.

Then came Muthu, with a 12-pack of Guinness Stout... all for the YB. The politician questioned him on his kindness. Muthu replied:

"Sir, I know you're surprised that we're so good to you recently. Especially since crime is high, the whole town council is corrupt, the drains flood because your business partners dump their construction waste everywhere, the roads need repair, the rubbish collection service and everything else has gone bad to worse, and nothing has been done despite all the letters we've written to you. So... um... so...

We figured we need a by-election".

Commujism Or Death!

Listening to: Nothing


=====================

I was reading today's "Questionable Content" comic... and nearly sprayed my monitor with the Jager+Sprite I was drinking...

SMS Your Views

> Dr Mahathir's nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

Cngrats 2 DrM 4 dis. Hope u get it. u make Malaysia proud and proud for all malaysian.

If liek this, then oso Saddam can get? Maybe shud nominate Bush also, since Dr M can.


> Mat Rempit menace

Now Putra umno want use mat rempit as police? wat next, send mat rempit to north pole?


> Air Asia vs. MAS

Price war is good for all Malaysian. Low price means i can go Kuching-KL back very cheap. Now only RM59.99

Air Asia service sux. Cannot change flight easily. Very dificult. 44 min before flight check in mean you cannot get on. Screw u Tony!

I take the train anyways. Like to see the countryside. Not applicable 2 me.


> Vijay_d_deejay6485 is gay

Vijay is a faget. After sk00l im gonna bantai you muthafukka. u wach out!


> Fake bomohs

Every day got people trick by fake bomoh n monk. MCA pls do sumting!


> Potholed roads

Chulia Street in penang very bumpy. MPPP pls do something

Gelugor roads very bumpy. MPPP please do something

Got big potholes in downtown KL. what is DBKL doing?! Pls do something

No more clean underwear, help. Goverment pls do something


> SMS your views expensive

Y sms is RM2.99 per msg?! cheating! Should report to CAP!!


> Standard of English declining

Evry day English gettng bad 2 worse in country. ppls use slang. Govermen pls do something!

Predictions For The Year Of The Oink

Listening to: Interpol - Turn On The Bright Lights

============================

Selamat Sejahtera saya ucapkan kepada para-para hadirin sekalian, Latuk-Latuk, dan Tan Sili yang hadir pada majlis yang amat mulia sekali...

Chinese New Year is a time for celebration and reflection for Chinese folks the world over. To the Malaysian Chinese, it is no exception... where come tommorow, we will gather with our relatives for dinner and visit each other in this yearly ritual, this time to welcome in the year of the pig. Ang pows will be given or received, orange cordial will be poured, yee sang will be tossed, fireworks will be lit before the cops come, and questions will be thrown on why you aren't married yet at the age of 23.

To answer that last question, show them this pic of your galpal, who models for Chromebags...

Hopefully that'll keep them quiet for awhile...

Anyways, the Year Of The Fire Pig is gonna be a turbulent one, according to experts in today's papers. Reknowned Feng Shui Master Lillian Too has predicted natural disasters around the world. Wonderful. For a second opinion, I visited Master B, my hometown's most reliable feng-shui and Shi-Fengshou expert. Master B's predictions have always come true. Just ask Dato. Ng, who after ten years of building his house to face Klang's Dragon Tiger Unicorn Gate now has a big McMansion with Grecian pillars, lots of glass and a curly curly Venetian-style gate. Perfect for Malaysia's humid tropical weather. Dato. Ng also has 3 Merciless Benz's, and two mistresses.

Master B's prediction for the Fire Pig year was dire. In addition to natural disasters, Kuala Lumpur will be attacked by a giant Fire Pig with laser eyes. Our only salvation is to combine the powers of Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart to summon Captain Planet.

But for the individual, our fortunes will depend on which animal-year you were born. Read carefully my dear readers, and learn what to do and what to avoid for good fortune and prosperity. For these are the wise words and visions of Master B...

Rat - It will be a good time for you to open your new biotech company. Even though you have no clue on which biotechnological sector to focus upon, just do it anyway. After all, EVERYONE is talking about biotech nowadays. Face your chair in the Southeast Direction 35'25'' to get good Fart from the Three Big Elephants. Buy 9999 for your license plates to protect you from a fiery death in your Kancil when chasing the Heavenly Shell Petrol Tanker.

Ox - Never eat anything bigger than your own head. Summon more ziggurats. All their base will belong to you if you start the battle with artillery fire and advance your tanks and troops under a creeping barrage. Your coathanger factory will see big returns provided you align your management desk facing the water dispenser and move your meeting room to center of the warehouse, next to the forklifts.

Tiger - Big money coming your way! Never forget to reply to the niece of the late General Alusun Abacha of Nigeria and follow his every order. If you do, you will be rewarded with part of the millions he's planning to smuggle out of Lagos. Avoid sleeping in a southerly direction or the monsters under the bed will eat you.

Rabbit - Do not silflay on days when the moon's full, or the Four Black Knights of Chao will spear you for their dinner. Consider moving to Watership Down if asked.

Dragon - Its a good time to get married and have children if you are between 19 to 24, have M$22,456.53 in credit card debt, living in Kuala Lumpur, and still paying off the loan to your pre-owned Kelisa. And the rent's due. Remember, your aunties are nagging you that you're getting older and they're not paying for your expenses to raise your children anyways... right? Eastern directions are always good during the first half of the Chinese year, especially if it faces the goat farm.

Cat - What cat? There's no damn cat! Get lost Stimpy!

Snake - You may be abducted by aliens on the 3rd day of the Lawyer.. I mean Lunar Snake month and experience an odd sensation as they install a satellite dish up your butt. Turning to your side, you may see a rotund, foul-mouthed, fat, cartoon character undergoing the same fate. You will awaken on the floor of a Bukit Bintang disco playing shitty trance music and come to your senses as your friends ask you're alright through the haze of XO and feng-tau pills.

Horse - Avoid travel in any Northwest direction, especially towards Kuala Pilah. Insist on travel in any direction except Northwest. Oh, that means walking too.

Sheep - Welcome the God Of Happiness on the Eight Day of the Chinese New Year. On the first day, get a pear tree and a partridge. Second day... two turtledoves. Third day... whoops, sorry. Thats for Christmas only! Anyway, avoid all metallic objects. Even cars. So you're gonna have to walk to work, but look at the bright side... you're getting exercise man!

Monkey - When the loan sharks/Ah Long's come to collect their cash, it is wise to put on a beard and a pair of glasses and talk in a deep German accent. "Miester Mah Jung? Orh nein! I haaven't seen 'im art ahl". Offer them Weiner Schnitzel and Becks beer and that should convince them your last name's really Schmitt. August will be an auspicious month to visit those skanky hookers near Petaling Street.

Rooster - You will be forced to defend your spherical space station against the forces of idiocy. You will fail and crash on a planet that looks like rural Turkey. You will be subjected to the stupidest antics ever and can't wait till the year is over. Patience, for millions of Chinese are in the same situation as you. To minimize your pain, hang crystals in the Eastern direction of the room facing the Twin Peaks of David Lynch.

Dog - Fire dogs should be a bit wary this year. Fire dogs are normally Dalmatians. So you should always be on top of your company fire engine as it whizzes down urban KL to rescue a damsel in distress before the God Of Fire consumes her. Unexpected success should be expected. You may also be abducted by UFOs and awaken with an 80-ft satellite dish sticking out from your butt.

Pig - Well, it IS your year. Spend your money on cheap heroin, shitty beer and hookers, as its time to celebrate the year of the pig amidst the worsening global situation. Also, to make your record sell jillions, fake your death. After all, most musicians make it big after they get "killed". Just ask 2Pac who is now lounging beside Kurt Cobain on some remote uncharted Polynesian island owned by the Music Industry.

* * * * * *

Anyway, Gong Xi Fatt Chai to you all! Stay sharp and Maholo!

Local Man Produces Brown Colored Sausages From Body

Listening to: Billy Joel - Piano Man


========================


IPOH, 28 Jan - A local man, Cheat Bul Chit, 21 has become an overnight sensation around town after claiming his ability of producing brown sausages from his body.

According to his brother, Cheat Jin Jang, 23 the phenomenon has occurred many times throughout Bul Chit's life, starting from birth. Mr. Jin Jang, who works as a vegetable seller in the local market explains the products are mostly a unpleasant smelling sausage that are dark brown in color.

"This thing happen every day", adds Bul Chit. "I know it coming, because I have this... ah... sensation to go toilet".

"Sometime no brown sausage come out 3 days. Doctor say I must eat more vegetable".

According to Jin Jang, the sausages are of no use at all, and are normally flushed down the toilet. But sometimes, they do become useful, as they are processed into fertilizer for their backyard vegetable farm.

"Ah Ba' (father) sumtime spend all money on mahjong, 4D, VSOP, and China-Mui.... Ah Long then come paint our dog. No money buy fertilizer. So we use the brown sausage from Ah Chit's body."


Either way, news of this claimed ability has caused a stream of curious visitors in the past three days to the Cheat farm on the outskirts of Ipoh. Many were wanting to observe the process in action. The Cheat's also claim they've also been visited by a small group of three men and a bomoh and they have asked him to point out from a chart, a combination of four numbers.

A neighbor who refused to be named, added that a dark green Mercedes with "VIP-plates" also stopped by the Cheat farm yesterday.

The Cheat's have also been approached by offers to purchase the sausages for "research". Mr.Bul Chit's brother mentions that offers have gone as high as three digits. He hopes to make some income from the sausages, as his vegetable business has suddenly declined after news of this story broke out around Ipoh.

Meanwhile, Universiti Malaya scientist Datuk Dr. Rustam Putra Ali Ababa; PhD, PJK, AMN, JsK, PkB, LOL, O RLY (as posted on his door) has expressed an interest in conducting tests to verify Bul Chit's claims.

"I have never heard such a thing before, and I had the impeccable foresight to suggest we should look into this matter, both fecal and non-fecal. Besides, I need something else to do besides lecturing students who's only response is 'tak tau', 'I tak tau' or 'ah?' when you as them a question".

"I should have accepted the offer from the NUS medical school back in '88. Huh? What? Nevermind... Forget what I said." added Dr. Ali Ababa.

Dr. Ali Ababa plans to start his tests by "tommorow, hopefully".


"The expenses for the medical tests and hospital stay will be settled by the govenment", he adds. - Nasional Bawang Ekspress (Malaysia)

A Movie So Terrible, it Crashes Your Computer... Literally

Listening to: Rilo Kiley - Take Offs and Landings

=======================================

I said a month ago I’ll write that damn review for Turkish Star Wars. But first, a mathematical question:

(No Budget + Remake) * Blockbuster Movie * Turkey = ???

The answer is Turkish Star Wars. Officially, its titled Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam, or in Inggeris Language: "The Man Who Saves The World”. Now, a film given (officially or not) a title like “Turkish Star Wars”, “Indian Predator”, or “A Chinese Tall Story” should immediately warn you about the potential camp within. Campiness so lethal that it will probably kill 5,000 hipsters and indie-scenesters in lab tests.

Before we continue, I’d like to thank www.planetidiot.com for the stills and scenes below…

I had chanced upon this while browsing through Wikipedia’s list of worst movies, and the nature of the title kinda attracted me to look, and download. You know, it’s the same reason why people are drawn to look at the Gorgons. Or like Nazis to the Ark of God… to which shortly their heads all asploded. Curiosity in this case however didn’t kill the cat, but many of my brain cells and computer.

A little background on TSW… or so says Wikipedia. It was filmed in 1982 when American movies weren’t easily available on screens. So, local directors had an easy way to make some cash by ripping off the script and remaking it. Like what Hollywood’s now doing with those increasingly generic horror films from Asia.

Once downloaded to C:\ , I hit the PLAY button. The movie started with Ali & Murat (who I’ll refer to A&M), our two “heroes” fighting the Death Star. Or more correctly, the Egg of Death. The director hadn’t even bothered to get the aspect ratio right, don’t talk about the script.

A rotten egg in a totally rotten film

The duo and their wingmen spacefight a bunch of TIE-fighters in a valiant effort to fire two torpedoes into the exhaust pipe, or so I thought. Random scenes of Imperial Star Destroyers, the Death Star, TIE vs. X-Wings, and lazers flash by as the two crack one-liners at each other. A&M have nice motorcycle-helmets with add-on antennas on top to make it look… er, spacey.

Nice helmet dude. BTW, you're in a starfighter not an F-16 at 10,000feet.

Cue to the Indiana Jones music (yes, seriously) playing with yet another scene of Star Destroyers blasting away. I came to realize A&M are actually flying the TIEs, and they have to defend the Death Egg from those pesky Rebels.

Mission Failed. Thanks to the Force, the Death Egg is destroyed. The dynamic duo crash on a rocky planet, unfortunately they weren’t killed so this movie can end and I could proceed next to the infinetly better “Central Station”. Extracting themselves from the wreckage of their spacefighters, they both walk around looking for signs of civilization.

A bunch of skeleton troopers attack after they whistle to attract help (and women). Hillarity ensues in the fight scene where our heroes jump and twirl around beating the shit out of skeletons in Spanish conquistador helmets. To the tune of Indiana Jones again.

Well, they’re women all right. Super-thin supermodels, to be precise

These ARE supposed to be skeletons. Srsly!

Well, eventually they’re caught by slightly more competent minions led by a robot made from an orange siren-lamp and a plastic rubbish bin from Wal-Mart or Tesco. The baddies are apparently lackeys of a mysterious wizard named Komutan.

Can you believe this?

This dialogue sums my thoughts on the movie...

But they escape once again…

Anyways, A&M flees to a system of caves with men, children and a woman who look like they’re reserve members of the Polyphonic Spree, or from the nearby New Age commune. I’ve never liked the Polyphonic Spree even though their music is in one of my favorite films, and it was to my joy that their hideout was discovered and attacked by Komutan’s minions: black bears, giant evil Elmos, and toilet-paper mummies.

The robe-wearing hippies discover their Flower-Power isn’t a form of martial arts, and definitely useless against Evil Muppet characters. I guess Guru Yogi Tipoobessar lied to them. Some flee, but many are killed and turned into toilet-paper mummies.

I've heard of Christian Transubstantiation of bread to flesh, but flesh to toilet paper?!

There’s also this creature with deadly spaghetti on his paws. Only our Dynamic Duo, the woman, and a little kid escape the glorious massacre.

A&M next go to a cantina where they get into a fight with several ethnic stereotypes. But soon Komutan reappears, and teleports them to his court. Komutan was the one who sent those X-Wings, and his agenda is to conquer the world and probably rule it together with the iron-fist of Princess Leia and his majordomo C3PO. This is perpetually astonishingly unambitious! Apparently, mankind is in the hyperspace age and colonizing far-flung regions of the galaxy, but Komutan is still stuck on dominating some shitty planet. Some ambition he has…

However, his attempts have all failed thanks to a “shield of concentrated human brain molecules”, which makes no fucking sense. To destroy those molecules and open the door to World Domination, he needs a human brain. Which is impossible to get in this movie, since this film has no sign of intelligence whatsoever.

But they have no brains, sir. Nobody in this movie does, especially the director!


Thats nothing, old man. i'm 25.

A&M are subjected to a live burial to kill them gruesomely, but fail thanks to Komutan not buying enough potting soil from the intergalactic gardening shop.

They will, but I won't endure this torture of a movie

Non sequitur old man. There's NO intelligence anywhere in this movie.
Buy more soil next time, BTW.

The duo escapes again, kills the Evil Elmos and defeats the Level10 Dire Evil Spaghetti-Thumbed Monster by jumping around, much to the joy of the oppressed populace…

The duo are separated when Ali, the woman, and the pesky brat is captured by Komutan once again (sigh, these people NEVER learn!), leaving Murat to find a mystical sword and brain (yes, brain) in a cave guarded by four members of Devo in golden jumpsuits. Anyways, after defeating Devo’s Mothersbaugh Bros. and the Casale Bros., Murat recovers the magic sword.

Energy Domes/Flowerpot Hats not included

Meanwhile, Komutan’s orders his wife to seduce the captured Ali in a Rocky Horror Picture Show costume. Murat arrives just in time to rescue his captured buddies. A hilarious battle scene again, with arms chopped off Evil Elmos and incompetent skeleton troopers. Ali however, is slain in the escape. Yay!

The saddened Murat vows revenge and melts the sword into a flowerpot (yes Virginia, it was a flowerpot) and forges a new pair of golden boots and gloves, probably attracting the attention of Reebok executives. He then sets out to defeat Komutan.

Checkout Murat's new Reebok Goldeboots... HOLY SHIT!

Its at this point where my computer decided it had enough and crashed, displaying a bluescreen. IT CRASHED!! I’m telling the truth here. It crashed and bluescreened, because OF THIS FILM!!!

In a way, it was a blessing. Had I watched the movie uninterrupted from start till the end, my brain would have been permanently destroyed. The rest of my life would be spent at the asylum in Tanjung Rambutan.

I read from other reviews later that Komutan sends all his minions in a concentrated Zerg rush to eliminate the irritating two. But, evil prevails and they’re all defeated. Komutan gets karate-chopped into two pieces. The… fucking… End.

Lousy movie, but Turkish Star Wars scores extremely high on camp factor. Sooooooo bad, it’s somewhat good. Or so they say. Since its ripped off without Mr. Lucas’ permission, you can see it for free here on Google video. Let it stand a day to fully transfer. Or if you don’t mind risking your hard drive and processor, its freely downloadable on Bittorrent. Either way, you’re already playing dice with your sanity. However, alcohol and several friends along will help viewing Turkish Star Wars more bearable.

But… you have been warned.

I rate Turkish Star Wars at Minus 3.5 stars out of Positive 5.0 stars (-3.0 of +5.0). I tried to get a more sensitive reading on the scale of 10.0, but the sheer idiocy of the movie immediately destroyed my precision equipment when I turned on the vacuum-tube amplifier. I have to place an order tomorrow with Agilent, Tektronix, and GE for new equipment…

Warning, Turkish Star Wars may or will cause the following symptoms and complications; nausea, eye discomfort, confusion, irritable bowel syndrome, permanent cerebral damage, optic nerve inflammation, paralysis, diabetes, asthma, and fatal hilarity. Do not watch Turkish Star Wars with an academic standpoint to avoid permanent brain damage. Viewing Turkish Star Wars without the influence of alcohol or company of friends is not recommended. BrightEyes will not be responsible for complications arising from Turkish Star Wars, physical or mental.