Predictions For The Year Of The Oink

Listening to: Interpol - Turn On The Bright Lights

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Selamat Sejahtera saya ucapkan kepada para-para hadirin sekalian, Latuk-Latuk, dan Tan Sili yang hadir pada majlis yang amat mulia sekali...

Chinese New Year is a time for celebration and reflection for Chinese folks the world over. To the Malaysian Chinese, it is no exception... where come tommorow, we will gather with our relatives for dinner and visit each other in this yearly ritual, this time to welcome in the year of the pig. Ang pows will be given or received, orange cordial will be poured, yee sang will be tossed, fireworks will be lit before the cops come, and questions will be thrown on why you aren't married yet at the age of 23.

To answer that last question, show them this pic of your galpal, who models for Chromebags...

Hopefully that'll keep them quiet for awhile...

Anyways, the Year Of The Fire Pig is gonna be a turbulent one, according to experts in today's papers. Reknowned Feng Shui Master Lillian Too has predicted natural disasters around the world. Wonderful. For a second opinion, I visited Master B, my hometown's most reliable feng-shui and Shi-Fengshou expert. Master B's predictions have always come true. Just ask Dato. Ng, who after ten years of building his house to face Klang's Dragon Tiger Unicorn Gate now has a big McMansion with Grecian pillars, lots of glass and a curly curly Venetian-style gate. Perfect for Malaysia's humid tropical weather. Dato. Ng also has 3 Merciless Benz's, and two mistresses.

Master B's prediction for the Fire Pig year was dire. In addition to natural disasters, Kuala Lumpur will be attacked by a giant Fire Pig with laser eyes. Our only salvation is to combine the powers of Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart to summon Captain Planet.

But for the individual, our fortunes will depend on which animal-year you were born. Read carefully my dear readers, and learn what to do and what to avoid for good fortune and prosperity. For these are the wise words and visions of Master B...

Rat - It will be a good time for you to open your new biotech company. Even though you have no clue on which biotechnological sector to focus upon, just do it anyway. After all, EVERYONE is talking about biotech nowadays. Face your chair in the Southeast Direction 35'25'' to get good Fart from the Three Big Elephants. Buy 9999 for your license plates to protect you from a fiery death in your Kancil when chasing the Heavenly Shell Petrol Tanker.

Ox - Never eat anything bigger than your own head. Summon more ziggurats. All their base will belong to you if you start the battle with artillery fire and advance your tanks and troops under a creeping barrage. Your coathanger factory will see big returns provided you align your management desk facing the water dispenser and move your meeting room to center of the warehouse, next to the forklifts.

Tiger - Big money coming your way! Never forget to reply to the niece of the late General Alusun Abacha of Nigeria and follow his every order. If you do, you will be rewarded with part of the millions he's planning to smuggle out of Lagos. Avoid sleeping in a southerly direction or the monsters under the bed will eat you.

Rabbit - Do not silflay on days when the moon's full, or the Four Black Knights of Chao will spear you for their dinner. Consider moving to Watership Down if asked.

Dragon - Its a good time to get married and have children if you are between 19 to 24, have M$22,456.53 in credit card debt, living in Kuala Lumpur, and still paying off the loan to your pre-owned Kelisa. And the rent's due. Remember, your aunties are nagging you that you're getting older and they're not paying for your expenses to raise your children anyways... right? Eastern directions are always good during the first half of the Chinese year, especially if it faces the goat farm.

Cat - What cat? There's no damn cat! Get lost Stimpy!

Snake - You may be abducted by aliens on the 3rd day of the Lawyer.. I mean Lunar Snake month and experience an odd sensation as they install a satellite dish up your butt. Turning to your side, you may see a rotund, foul-mouthed, fat, cartoon character undergoing the same fate. You will awaken on the floor of a Bukit Bintang disco playing shitty trance music and come to your senses as your friends ask you're alright through the haze of XO and feng-tau pills.

Horse - Avoid travel in any Northwest direction, especially towards Kuala Pilah. Insist on travel in any direction except Northwest. Oh, that means walking too.

Sheep - Welcome the God Of Happiness on the Eight Day of the Chinese New Year. On the first day, get a pear tree and a partridge. Second day... two turtledoves. Third day... whoops, sorry. Thats for Christmas only! Anyway, avoid all metallic objects. Even cars. So you're gonna have to walk to work, but look at the bright side... you're getting exercise man!

Monkey - When the loan sharks/Ah Long's come to collect their cash, it is wise to put on a beard and a pair of glasses and talk in a deep German accent. "Miester Mah Jung? Orh nein! I haaven't seen 'im art ahl". Offer them Weiner Schnitzel and Becks beer and that should convince them your last name's really Schmitt. August will be an auspicious month to visit those skanky hookers near Petaling Street.

Rooster - You will be forced to defend your spherical space station against the forces of idiocy. You will fail and crash on a planet that looks like rural Turkey. You will be subjected to the stupidest antics ever and can't wait till the year is over. Patience, for millions of Chinese are in the same situation as you. To minimize your pain, hang crystals in the Eastern direction of the room facing the Twin Peaks of David Lynch.

Dog - Fire dogs should be a bit wary this year. Fire dogs are normally Dalmatians. So you should always be on top of your company fire engine as it whizzes down urban KL to rescue a damsel in distress before the God Of Fire consumes her. Unexpected success should be expected. You may also be abducted by UFOs and awaken with an 80-ft satellite dish sticking out from your butt.

Pig - Well, it IS your year. Spend your money on cheap heroin, shitty beer and hookers, as its time to celebrate the year of the pig amidst the worsening global situation. Also, to make your record sell jillions, fake your death. After all, most musicians make it big after they get "killed". Just ask 2Pac who is now lounging beside Kurt Cobain on some remote uncharted Polynesian island owned by the Music Industry.

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Anyway, Gong Xi Fatt Chai to you all! Stay sharp and Maholo!