Damn You Singapore!

Kiasuland has beaten us again! This time, the tiny red dot has won the argument over a little rock called Pedra Branca / Pulau Batu Puteh. The name in English means "White Rock"... and it comes from the layers of seagull poo collected over the years and turned the rocks white. Thats right, we've been fighting with Kiasuland for 29 years over a little rock with birdshit for cake icing and a lighthouse as a candle.

And we lost this rock thats barely large enough to swing a cat round and round... until Kitty gets nauseous and messes your floor with cat vomit. At least we won two stones a stone-throw (pun intended) away from the lighthouse. But thats like getting a $10 prize for 4 out of 5 numbers correct in a $10 million lottery.



We shouldn't let the Singaporeans get away with this! Here's some forms of retaliation we can consider taking against those Kiasulanders for this loss of Malaysian pride. Each has its own merits and drawbacks, so lets take these into mind before doing anything hasty...


1) Airstrike

PROS: Sends an excellent message to Kiasuland that we mean serious fucking business. Denies Singapore ownership of Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca by reducing the pile of stones to below sea level.

CONS: May trigger a war with Singapore. Both countries will go down into the dubious annals of history for a conflict costing thousands of lives over a tiny pile of rocks in the South China Sea. At least thats a little better than Honduras and El Salvador... who actually went to war over a football match.




2) Summon C'thulhu to Crush That Pile Of Stones (and Singapore)

PROS: Awesome spectacle of a giant God-creature smashing Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca into bits. The sight of the God-creature wading up Marina Bay and cracking open 'The Esplanade' like a durian is even more awesome. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah-nagl ftaghn!!

CONS: Using the arcane forces of darkness is probably un-Islamic & against Malaysia's official religion. But that can simply be reasoned with the fact that many Malaysian Muslims enlist the help of bomohs (shamans) all the time. Also, C'thulhu might get bored and target Johor Baharu instead. That would be un-awesome.




3) Cut Off Their Water Supply

PROS: Get to laugh at Kiasulanders drinking their own piss.

CONS: Some Malaysian will just sign another deal to supply Singapore with dirt-cheap water.




4) Resume Construction Of The Crooked Bridge

PROS: Another chance for some people to make more money. Sends a message to Kiasuland that we mean business. Make Mahathir smile again.

CONS: The global community might laugh at us for building such an expensive odd-looking and impractical structure.




5) Call The Swordfishes

PROS: Legend says that the island of Temasek (now Singapore) was once attacked by swordfishes. It will be nice to summon these sea creatures again to punish the Singaporeans for taking Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca.

CONS: The mass of concrete and tar that is Singapore today will suffer little damage from the swordfishes. Once the schools of swordfishes are exhausted, the Kiasulanders will come out and collect the fishes for a swordfish dinner tonight. Singaporean scientists might also resurrect Hang Nadim to deal with the problem.




6) Use More Aerosols and Drive More To Speed Up Global Warming

PROS: Considering Pulau Batu Putih / Pedra Branca is just several meters above sea level, rising sea levels will deal with the problem. Where's your island now Mr. Kiasu?! AhHahahahahahaaaa!

CONS: 1000 years later, Klingon and Romulan anthropology textbooks speak of a planet destroyed and an entire species made extinct because of an argument over a little rock...

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