News For Today

Breaking News: 81% of Malaysians Cannot Name Current Prime Minister, According to Tun Mahathir

KUALA LUMPUR: In a press conference held today at The Renaissance in downtown Kuala Lumpur, former Malaysian Prime Minister Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohammad revealed new facts he described as “shocking and disturbing”.

“I’ve had my men question a sample of over 3,000 Malaysians on the street to evaluate the rakyats’ understanding of current events”, mentioned Tun Dr. Mahathir.

One of the questions in the survey was about who the present prime minister of Malaysia is. According to him, most answers to that particular question were “blatantly incorrect”.

“Can you believe that around 67% mentioned some person called Badawi?” he said. “I don’t know who this man is but he can’t be doing any good. Who does he think he is, influencing two-thirds of the population to think he’s PM?”

He also added that 8% of the respondents believed that Tun Daim Zainuddin was currently the Prime Minister, with the other six percent giving various answers such as Tun Abdul Razak, Elvis, Sudirman, Lim Kit Siang, and “a coconut” (sic).

On an optimistic note, he added that the remaining 19% of respondents gave “Dato’ Seri Dr. Mahathir Mohammad” as the answer.

“Although it should be ‘Tun’, we should at least give them some credit for that”.

“But that should not cloud the fact that four-fifths of the rakyat are wrong!”

The idea among the majority that Abdullah Ahmad Badawi is the incumbent Malaysian Prime Minister had apparently caused Mahathir some inconvenience. In February, his motorcade was stopped from entering the gates of the Prime Minister’s official residence.

“I told the guard that I live here. Can you believe he actually had the audacity to say that I’m no longer the PM?! I ordered his supervisor to discipline him and all he said was ‘Tun, Badawi kini PM’”

Dr. Mahathir is planning a meeting with Badawi to “clear the air” regarding this issue.

Lim Keng Yaik To Step Down, This Time For Sure

PUTRAJAYA: Current Gerakan party president Datuk Seri Dr Lim Keng Yaik has once again confirmed that he will retire from his post after serving at that position since 1980. He mentioned that his decision was totally final and he really really meant it”.

“Time again, again, again and again in the past couple of years, I have said that I will step down. Now this time you will see it. Confirmed, I swear”.

Speaking to reporters at Putrajaya, Keng Yaik reiterated his decision to retire. Although potentially no longer Gerakan’s president, he will still retain his appointment as Energy, Water and Communications Minister.

“Perhaps I had a couple of false starts when I said I would be stepping down years back. Not this time. My detractors say I’m taking my time but Gerakan wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t ready too. Now this time I will step down and I will mean it this time when I say I will step down”.

Chief Minister of Penang, Tan Sri Dr Koh Tsu Koon is expected to succeed Keng Yaik as president of the Gerakan Party, whenever that may be.

Jesus Claims Responsibility For Disrupting Blogger’s Internet

PEARLY GATES: At a press conference held at the entrance to heaven today, Jesus Christ claimed to reporters present that he was the individual responsible for the temporary glitch in blogger Mohd. Niesham Juferi’s internet service, which left him without a connection to the world for a couple of weeks.

“It was simple, man. I jus went to the server, and severed… heh heh… pun intended… his internet by unplugging the network cable. That’s it!”

Jesus added that He and his followers then set back and observed as Mohd. Juferi, also known as Menj on Malaysia's online community, attempted to restore his connection by purchasing new hardware, cables, and finally, attempting to contact his subscriber's customer service.

Jesus at a press conference with reporters showing the
network cable he easily disconnected

“Of course, then after some weeks I took pity on him, walked to the server room, and put the plug back in. Even TMNet couldn't figure out the problem all this while! Anyway, their service reps are always playing Solitare when answering customers, so whaddaya expect?”.

Despite the critical articles about him and his followers usually posted on the webblog, Jesus praised the website for bringing humor and occasionally, “followers to Christ”.

The irony, he added, was the website was saturated with commercials, including advertisements for Christianity right next to an article condemning Christians.

“Man, I had a couple o’ atheists go there to ahem… ‘seek the truth about the deception of Christianity’ or some junk like that. They clicked on the GoogleAd ‘Christ Is Your Savior’ there, and next thing you know, they’re gonna be baptized next Sunday! Praise be to me!”

When contacted, Mohd. Juferi expressed anger at the claims made by Jesus and swore to further persist in efforts to criticize Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, and the faith of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He added that the broken internet connection had also affected his source of income.

“I knew it was him all along! Oh, how could a naked guy swinging RefinanceYourHomeLoan from a cross defeat me like that?! Nonetheless, I will continue to GetAGreenCardNOW expose nonIslamic religions, especially Christianity for the fraud they are! I will have my revenge! Buy eggs online!” speaking to reporters at his Penang Island residence.

"Do you know through DiTech.com you can get mortgages at favourable terms?"

Mr. Juferi then went on an explanation about the advantages of purchasing flowers through the internet, in response to a reporter's question about his plan to prevent future disruptions to his internet service.

Kevin Federline's Album Reappraised By Critics

NEW YORK: In a reevaluation expected to rock the music world, many music critics worldwide have reversed their negative reviews towards Kevin Federline's debut album, "Playing With Fire". The singer and former spouse of Britney Spears has been plagued by overwhelming criticism tossed towards his musical career, with album sales flopping, premature dumping of excess CDs into discount bins, and low turnout at his concerts. But this recent development might change his fortunes for the better.

Most critics were unable to clearly explain the reason their turnaround. But many came to the consensus that Federline's album, although may sound banal on the first listening, can become appreciative if taken from a serious intellectual and musical viewpoint.

"I have changed my view on this", mentions famed critic Robert Christgau. "Clearly Mr. Federline displays his emcee prowess and one can emphatize with his storytelling about growing up on the streets of Fresno, California."

"Four stars out of five", he added.

Kevin Federline raps to a sold-out crowd
at Old Trafford Stadium in England

Included were also famed music magazine, Rolling Stone, who bumped Federline's album to Number 5 on their "Top 50 Albums Of 2006" list. Former No.5 position, Ghostface Killah's album "Fishscale", was knocked out of the list as a result. Pitchfork Media has also commended the album, giving it a rare 10.0 rating and praising the album's standout song "Popozao" for its "intrinsic ability to tear and indoubitably move the soul".